


L'appel du Vide

by sarcasmandships



Category: Death Note
Genre: Alternate Ending, Angst, Crimes & Criminals, Crying, Fluff and Angst, Hurt, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Jealousy, M/M, Nightmares, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Non-Consensual Kissing, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Self-Hatred, Sleep Deprivation, Sleep talking, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-30
Updated: 2018-02-04
Packaged: 2018-04-14 13:32:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 11
Words: 34,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4566456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarcasmandships/pseuds/sarcasmandships
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Light is the victim of a brutal assault and finds himself spiralling into a state of depression and despair. Noticing the sudden behavioural changes L places Light in confinement, suspecting that he is being controlled by another Kira. As the days pass Light is pushed closer and closer to his breaking point by the eccentric detective as he desperately tries to solve the most complex case he has ever been presented with; Yagami Light.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

At first, Light thought he might have died. The excruciating pain led him to believe he might have been stabbed, hit by a car and struck by lightning-all at once. Light was considering the possibility that he was in hell, burning in the fiery underworld but then he remembered that Ryuk had told him that those who had used the Death Note could neither go to heaven nor hell. Truthfully Light wished he had died. Because the reality of the situation was worse than death and much more painful. Light wasn't sure what had even happened, he had been walking along the street, heading back to headquarters after picking up some take-out food perfectly minding his own business when a pair of large and clammy hands had grabbed his shoulders and pulled him back into a dark alleyway.

Light let out a scream, a plea for help but his attempts were futile, it was late, it was dark and it was raining; there was no one on the streets, no one to help him. Light was slammed up against a wall, he let out a groan and tried to strain his neck in an attempt to see his attackers face but the man grabbed his hair a shoved his face firmly against the wall. "Now listen here kid, you shut up and stay still and maybe this won't hurt so bad" the man snarled in his ear and yanking the rusty auburn strands of hair he held in his fist. Light whimpered, he tried to break free from the man but his grip on Light was too strong, eventually he stopped squirming and fell limp, "That's a good boy" his attacker cooed and Light could imagine the smug smirk curling onto his lips as he pulled down Light's trousers and boxers and forced him down, a cold and clammy hand pressed hard into his spine ensuring he couldn't turn around. Light let out a blood curdling scream as the man entered him, he felt as though he was being split in half. Hot salty tears ran down his face as agonising pain ripped through his body, Light felt as though he was dying and he wished he was. Pain. Pain. Pain. How was he even supposed to think of a possible escape route when all he could concentrate on was the agony he felt and those clammy hands which gripped him tightly and would no doubt leave bruises.

And then it was over, the man sneered at Light who had curled up into a ball on the ground, his attacker mumbled something in another language that Light couldn't understand and let out a loud cackle that made Light's skin crawl, the man gave Light a sharp kick in the stomach before swaggering off into the darkness. Light lay on the ground for what felt like hours, eventually he made his move. He crawled over to the wall and used it as to support himself as he shakily stood up, Light wiped away the tears that blurred his vision, pulled up his trousers and wrapped his coat tightly around his body in an attempt to cover any signs of the attack. Light stumbled along the alleyway, he could barely walk and the rain didn't help either, he used the wall as a support keeping his body pressed close to the wet bricks as he dragged his feet along the wet ground, he threw a fateful glance at the spilled take-out food that littered the ground but right now Matsuda's hunger was the least of his worries. He pulled the coat tighter around his shivering body, pushed his wet hair out of his eyes and limped off in the direction of headquarters.

~

"Hey Light! You got my food?" Matsuda asked cheerily as Light stumbled through the door.

"No sorry Matsuda, they were closed. S-sorry." he lied hastily trying to ignore the suspicious glances L was sending his way. "I'm tired, I'm going to head to bed" Light mumbled shuffling away desperately trying to hide his limp.

L stared at Light's retreating figure and narrowed his onyx eyes at the younger boy as he disappeared from view leaving water all over the floor, L sighed in frustration.

"Something the matter Ryuuzaki?" Aizawa asked.

L tore his eyes away from the trail of water that Light had left behind, "Light-kun is acting strange" L mumbled through a mouthful of cake.

"What do you mean?" Soichiro asked eyeing L suspiciously.

L swallowed the cake, "His behaviour is...out of character" the detective murmured as he began to munch on another piece of cake.

"In what way?" Soichiro demanded, L sighed inwardly the last thing he needed was for Soichiro to have another fit of rage.

"Don't concern yourself Yagami-San, just thinking aloud" L said not wishing to anger the temperamental chief.

Soichiro made a disgruntled noise but did not push L for details of his claim and instead went back to working with Aizawa while L mentally debated all the possible explanations for Light's behaviour, L had spent a great deal of time observing Light and could detect a lie by the quiver in his voice, the way he bit his lip, the way he dug his nails into the palm of his hand. And there was no doubt about it Light was lying about the take-out place being closed, his voice was shaky and he was too fidgety to be telling the truth. L was beginning to suspect that Light volunteering to get the food was just a cover-up to meet with someone, someone conected with Kira. Amane? They don't need to meet in secret in the middle of the night, could this be someone new? A fourth Kira?

L sighed, he didn't know how many more Kira's he could handle.

~

Light turned on the shower with the temperature as high as he could stand and allowed the water to run down his shaking body. He was no longer cold but he still felt strange, dirty, _used_. Light scrubbed his skin hard. He washed his hair and his body again and again trying to shake the horrible feeling that plagued him. After about an hour of continuous scrubbing Light stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around his waist, then he stared at himself in the mirror. His skin was red raw from all the scrubbing but that was not the only mark left on his skin, bruises were beginning to form on his stomach from where his attacker had kicked him and his body was littered with tiny scratches from being shoved against a wall. Light didn't want to imagine what other marks his attacker had left on him, he felt slightly better after his shower. Now he could move on forget about the incident and focus on the more important issues at hand. Light quickly dressed himself in a pair of clean pyjamas, brushed his teeth and combed his damp hair. _'There, much better_ ' he thought to himself as he made his way out of the bathroom and into his bed. He turned off the lamp and closed his eyes hopeful that he could forget about tonight's events after a good night’s sleep.

However, things were not that simple. Light tossed and turned all night, wincing and gasping in pain as he did. He could not find a position that didn't cause pain from one part of his body or another and he couldn't close his eyes without the night’s events replaying in his head. The sound of the heavy rain squelching in his shoes, the feeling of cold clammy hands grabbing his shoulder and slamming him against the wall, the tormented cackle his attacker had let out, the glass shattering sound of Light's screams, the agonising pain that was worse than anything Light had ever experienced.

_'That's a good boy'._

Light shivered as he recalled the taunting voice of his attacker, it made his skin crawl to even think about that man, that _vile man_. This is why the world _needs_ Kira, to eliminate people like him. Light sat up ignoring the pain and thought long and hard, in the past he'd never really made a point of punishing rapists. If they were broadcast on TV then of course he would but he never made a point of _actively_ searching for names of rapists or sexual predators and eliminating them. Misa did, and Light was often angry at her for punishing people of lesser crimes like groping whilst ignoring the likes of murderers. But now he was filled with a feeling of vengeance. Light wanted to find his attacker and kill him, with his bare hands if he had to. Although that would most likely draw unnecessary attention to himself. It would look odd if Light spent his time perusing a man that he knew nothing about with no apparent criminal record rather than helping with the Kira case. He wouldn't be able to explain why he was looking for this man either, Light knew he could never tell anyone what had happened.

His father would think it was disgusting, the other task force members would never admit it but they would think it to. Whenever they saw Light one word would come to mind and that would be _disgust_ , that's how Light felt about himself so why would the others be any different? Light wasn't sure how L would react, the man was strange and unpredictable on one hand he might not care, he would just continue to munch on his cake and throw percentages at Light whenever he felt like it. But on the other hand he might think Light was weak and Light couldn't stand that. He couldn't handle the thought of being the weak one, the fragile one, and the one that had to be treated like glass made him sick to his stomach. He was _Kira_! He was a god, and gods didn't get dragged into alleyways and _raped_. Light shook his head, he had not been raped. He was Kira and he refused to believe that his body had been defiled in such a manor. It had not happened. It had not happened. It had not happ-

_'That's a good boy'._

Light vomited. He leaned over the side of the bed and emptied the contents of his stomach all over the wooden floor. For it had happened. And as much as he hated to admit it Light Yagami, Kira, _God of the new world_ had been raped.

~

"Did you sleep well Light-kun?" L asked as Light entered the conference room the next morning, Light wanted to snarl at him. Was L mocking him? Light had slept for about an hour or so and even then he was plagued by nightmares, no he had not slept well.

"Yes Ryuuzaki I did, I'd ask the same of you but I don't believe you ever sleep" Light replied trying to not to let the venom seep through his neutral tone.

"I do sleep" L stated simply before turning back to his computer, Light glared at the back of his head and wished he could wrap his hands around the detectives throat and kill him right there. Light hated being made a fool and that's exactly what L was doing, Light wondered if L had planted cameras in his room and watched him toss and turn all night. He wouldn't put on past him, and he also wouldn't put it past him to ask questions he already knew the answer to just to evoke a reaction. Light sat down on the chair next to L as they awaited the arrival of the other task force members.

"Light-kun has not eaten breakfast" L said in a questioning tone.

"Hmm, not hungry" he mumbled in response. Light couldn't bear the thought of eating for he knew it would only come back up a few minutes later and L would find a way to conclude that he was Kira because he couldn't keep down a piece of toast.

"Light-kun always eats breakfast" L stated, Light shot him a glare.

"I told you Ryuuzaki I'm not hungry" he said through gritted teeth.

L swivelled his chair round so he was facing Light, he narrowed his eyes slightly scanning Light's face carefully. "Uhh what are you doing" Light stammered.

"Checking for symptoms of illness" L mumbled whilst his stared intently at Light.

"Illness?" he questioned.

L turned back to the computer, "It's quite possible you could have contracted an illness after being out in the cold last night, also you have a decreased appetite and you're even grumpier than usual" L explained not casting Light a second glance.

"Maybe I'm just tired" he retorted, which was true Light was completely void of any and all energy.

"I recall you saying you slept well" L commented. Light gritted his teeth.

"I did, but this investigation is tiring and I've not exactly had a proper sleep schedule for the past few weeks being handcuffed to you and all" he hissed.

"I ensured that we went to bed at an appropriate time so you would maintain a sleep schedule" L recalled.

Light snorted, "Yes I was physically in the bed but between you moving around and typing on that stupid laptop all night I got two hours of sleep if I was lucky" he seethed in response.

"See, you are grumpier than usual" L said with a slight smirk playing on his lips.

Light let out a low growl but he didn't make another comment not wanting to engage in a debate with L that would never end well. Instead Light turned away from L and waited patiently until the remaining task force members arrived.

Matsuda was first, he came bounding through the door like a child on Christmas morning.

"Good morning Light! Good morning Ryuzaki!" he chirped.

"Morning Matsuda" Light mumbled in response whilst L just gave a disgruntled groan but didn't turn around.

"Here Light, I got you some coffee" Matsuda said brightly thrusting a cardboard cup in his face, "Err thanks" Light said reaching to take the cup but his hand brushed up against Matsuda's.

 _'That’s a good boy'_.

Light jumped. He dropped the coffee, as the cup made contact with the floor the lid burst off spilling hot coffee all over the floor.

"Slip of the hand Light-kun?" L asked slyly.

"Yes" he replied through gritted teeth, the detective was really starting to get on his nerves and Light wasn't sure how many more suspicious glances and snarky remarks he could handle. Light turned back to face Matsuda.

"Sorry Matsuda, my hand must have slipped" he said with his usual manipulative smile.

Sensing the tension between the pair Matsuda laughed nervously, "It’s okay, you can have mine if you want" he stammered.

"Oh no it's okay, I'll be fine" Light replied turning back to his own computer.

He felt L's eyes burning a hole in his skull so he snapped his head round and glared at him, "Problem Ryuuzaki?”.

"Light-kun is acting very strange today" he stated simply.

Light repressed the urge to roll his eyes, "So you've said, but I assure you I'm not ill" he replied keeping his tone as neutral as possible.

"You apologised to Matsuda" L said. Light let out a small laugh, "So? I spilt the coffee he made me, I was being _polite_ " he responded trying not to let his frustration show.

"It is...out of character for you to apologise for something so small and insignificant, you're usually a very proud person and you don't give out apologises lightly because then you'd have to admit you were wrong" L informed him.

Light laughed " _You're_ the one that can't stand being wrong, honestly Ryuuzaki you're over analysing the fact I apologised to Matsuda to try and prove my guilt because you can't accept the fact that I'm not Kira" Light with a slight chuckle.

L narrowed his eyes, "And what about last night?" he asked.

Light felt his breath hitch in his throat, "L-last night?" he stammered. _Did L know?_ No, he couldn't know, there was no way he could have figured it out this quickly, unless he really did have cameras in Light's room but even then could he had no proof that could lead him to that conclusion. Unless there were also cameras in the bathroom and L had seen his injuries which would lead him to a pretty simple conclusion...No. Light would assume that L was not aware and feign confusion.

"Yes last night Light-kun, you also apologised to Matsuda last night. Twice. Which I though was a little out of character but then again you were acting very strange overall last night" L said simply before picking the strawberry from his slice of cake and popping it in his mouth.

" I don't know what you're taking about" Light snapped.

"Why so defensive Light-kun? I also thought it was rather strange that you volunteered to pick up Matsuda's food".

Light gritted his teeth, "I wanted a walk to clear my head, being chained to you for weeks isn't exactly _relaxing_ " Light retorted, after all that _was_ true.

"Oh really?" L said not sounding convinced in the slightest, "What did you think I was doing?" Light snorted. "You could have been having secret meetings with Amane, discussing your plan for world domination" L retorted.

"Jealous?" Light smirked. L narrowed his eyes, "Of course not...however it's rather unlikely you would need to meet with Amane in secret, are you sneaking around with a new girlfriend Light-kun? Or perhaps even _another Kira?_ " L asked glowering at him.

"What the hell are you on about Ryuzaki? _Another Kira?_ Is that the best explanation you have for me volunteering to pick up dinner, I was just being nice!" Light snapped. "I find that hard to believe" L mumbled. "Oh yeah? And why is that?" Light demanded.

"Because you don't think of anyone but yourself".

L turned back to his computer. Light shook with rage, how dare that little insomniac _freak_ accuse him of not caring about others? If he didn't care then he wouldn't be risking everything in order to make the world a better place! Although he could hardly use that argument on Ryuzaki with admitting to being Kira so he kept his mouth shut. _Another Kira?_ As if. What was L thinking? If that were true then including Higuchi there would have been a total of four Kira's. L really was stupid. Light just hoped he wouldn't start questioning Rem about the existence of another notebook, Light was under enough stress as it was he really didn't need L poking his nose into things even more than usual.

Eventually the remaining task force members arrived. Matsuda was certainly relived, he had awkwardly sat throughout L and Light's argument and had clearly felt the tension between to two afterwards. "Okay I'm heading out for a bit" Light said standing up and pulling on his coat.

"Are you going to meet with the fourth Kira, Light-kun?" L inquired.

" _Fourth_ Kira?" Aizawa murmured, "Don't ask" Matsuda warned him.

"Of course not I'm...I'm going to meet Misa" Light lied. "You're going on a _date?_ This is the Kira case Light we need all hands on deck" Aizawa growled. "No. Let him go, he's 17 after all. He deserves at least some normality in his life" L said in his usual monotone.

"Erm thanks?" Light said hastily.

"Have fun with...Misa" L called as Light exited the room.

 _‘Yes something is defiantly going on here. And I'm going to find out what’_ L thought to himself.

 

~

Light let out a sigh of relief as soon as he exited the building, it was so good to be free of L's excessive questioning. Light had lied about seeing Misa, he not going to meet the hyperactive blonde and spend twenty minutes discussing the pros of matte nail polish, no he had a much worse agenda prepared. He was going back, to the alley where _it_ happened. His father often told him as a child that in order for his fears to go away he would first have to face them and that's exactly what Light was planning to do. Perhaps in the day time the alley wouldn't seem so cold and dark, it wouldn't seem like an endless tunnel of despair with no escape. At least Light hoped it wouldn't. He'd considered the possibility that there could be some form of evidence that could lead him to finding his attacker but it was likely anything that would be useful would have been washed away by the rain. Despite Light's hopes that the alley would be less daunting during the day he couldn't shake the feeling of appending doom that surrounded him as he slowly walked down the alley. Despite the faint drip of rainwater his footsteps were the only thing to be heard in the eerily quiet alley.

It was strange, it was so quiet and so empty now, nothing to show the events that had occurred last night. Light flinched as he remembered being shoved against the wall, the hot and ragged breath in his ear, the clammy hands that gripped tightly at his waist, that's a good boy. Light sneered at his past self, _"Weak"_ he spat at the empty alley, he remembered screaming, pleading for him to stop, how _pathetic_. Light felt a sudden flare of anger, anger at himself for being so helpless and not fighting back, anger at the man for what he had done, anger at L for his snarky, mocking comments. Fuelled with rage Light kicked a large rubbish bin, he muttered curses under his breath as he felt the anger fade away and was replaced by a heavy feeling in his gut, one he was not particularly used to.

Light sneered, no he was not _weak_ he would not be defeated by something like this. In fact, it had made him even more aware of the work that had to be done to clean up this rotten world. Light turned on his heel and stormed out of the alley feeling determined, he had been neglecting the sexual predators of the world an now he had bring justice to all of their victims. With a whirlwind of thoughts in his head about how he would make this world better he swaggered off to headquarters, desperately trying to ignore the pain that made it hard to walk, the pain that reminded him that he was just like those other victims...No! He was a _god_ , he was Kira! But was he a god? He didn't feel very godly lying on the cold, hard, concrete last night. Light shook these thought from his mind, _'I can't get distracted'_   he thought to himself, I have to focus on bringing justice to others and of course eliminating Ryuuzaki.

When Light entered the conference room he found everything to be normal, his father and Aizawa were busy working along with Mogi who was sorting through files. Then there was Matsuda who was sitting sheepishly in the corner, he had no doubt done another stupid thing and been scolded by the task force. And then there was L, perched on his chair in that strange position, cake in hand whilst staring intently at his computer, "Hello Light-kun" L said turning to face him.

"Hello Ryuuzaki" a Light replied removing his coat. "You have a visitor" L stated a smirk curling up on to his pale lips.

"A visitor?" Light asked confused.

"Light!" A high pitched voice squealed, and then he felt something small and warm collide with him and embrace him. Light gasped at the contact wishing he could throw her off and have a shower, but he couldn't not in front of the other task force members, it would be too suspicious. Light looked down at the figure that had wrapped it's arms around him in a death lock. It was Misa, his cover was blown and he was screwed.


	2. Chapter 2

Light wanted to scream. Misa had completely exposed him, now L was going to be even more suspicious of him, even Matsuda would be able to deduce there was something fishy going on, Light peeled Misa's arm off his body and gently pushed her away so she was about an arms length away from him.

"Misa, what are you doing here?" Light asked trying to keep his voice steady.

  _'If Misa slips up here I'm in for it'_ Light thought as he forced a smile.

"I came to see you!" Misa cheered.

"But Misa we agreed to meet at the cafe not here, remember?" Light said trying to be as subtle with his lie as possible.

"Whaa?" Misa asked her blue eyes widening as she gazed up at him.

"For our...date, remember?". Light glared at her.

"Oh! Yes our date, sorry Light, Misa Misa was silly and forgot, Misa Misa won't do it again" she chripped as she vigorously nodded her head.

Light breathed a sigh of relief _'She may be an idiot, but at least she can act_ ' Light thought to himself.

"So shall we go now?" Misa asked tugging on Light's arm, he pulled away quickly but tried to disguise it as an arm twitch when he saw L's eyebrows raise.

"Yes of course" he said hesitantly, _'Damn it, now he would have to go and discuss matte nail polish'_ , Light cursed at himself mentally.

"Come on Light, you're so slow today" Misa whined as she scuttled towards the door.

"Light-kun, you seem...dazed, are you feeling okay?" L asked slyly.

"I'm fine, thank you for your concern" Light said snapping out of his momentary day dream.

"Lets go Misa" he mumbled as he left the room with Misa hot on his heels.

L narrowed his eyes, so far Light's 'symptoms' included; lack of appetite, increased irritability and spacing out amongst other things. The way he drew his arm away from Amane, his hasty apology to Matsuda...everything was so out of character, so unlike Light. It was if someone impersonating him, someone who looked like Light, someone who sounded like Light but didn't quite act like him. To the other task force members the act was believable, even the chief seemed to fall for this act, no act was quiet the correct term. It was more as though Light had become a completely different person.

~

"You want me to do what?" Misa gasped, Light grunted glancing around to ensure no one had heard them.

"I want to you to start using your eyes to seek out sexual predators, people you see on the street that aren't broadcast on TV and I need you to kill them" he whispered.

"But not rapists?" Misa questioned.

"No, leave that to me, but remember on top of that you have keep killing other criminals so we don't draw attention to ourselves" Light explained.

Misa nodded her head slowly, "Okay...but why?" she asked.

"None of your concern" he snapped.

Misa shrunk back in her seat, "Misa Misa is sorry Light, Misa Misa will do her best" she said nodding her head rapidly.

Light sighed in relief, "Good, just do as I say and don't question it" he snapped.

"Hyuk, hyuk this should be interesting" Ryuk said, Light ignored him,.

"I know you can't talk because we're in public but you could at least give me a smile" Ryuk complained. Light rolled his eyes but shot Ryuk a smile anyway, "See you can be good boy when you try" Ryuk cackled.

_'That's a good boy'._

Light slammed his fist onto the table making Misa jump. "Light! Are you okay?" Misa asked as she kept from her seat and rushed to his side.

"I'm fine Misa" he hissed. "No, Ryuuzaki warned Misa Misa that Light-kun was unwell today, Misa Misa will help her Light!" she cheered.

"Um Light, I don't know how to help..." she mumbled looking down at her hands.

"You could start with leaving me alone" he muttered under his breath.

"Oh wait! Misa Misa knows what to do" she chirped, she brushed away Light's hair and rested her hand on his forehead, Light stiffened.

"What are you doing?" he said through gritted teeth.

Misa began poking at his face "It's fine! Misa Misa sees people do this on TV all the time" she squealed.

"Stop it" he snarled.

"Yes Light" she said quietly, he pushed her hands off of him.

"Light seems tense, Misa Misa will help!" she grabbed at his shoulders and began rubbing his back, her sharp nails digging into his flesh.

"Misa get off" he snapped.

"No Light, Misa Misa is helping!".

"I said get off!" he yelled.

The cafe was already pretty deserted but the few customers fell silent and turned to look at them but right now Light didn't care. He pushed past Misa and stormed out of the cafe ignoring Ryuk's laughter which echoed in his ears. Light stomped along the street, he couldn't go home because as far as Sayu and his mother were aware he was travelling, he couldn't back to headquarters because L and his questions would be there, he couldn't go back to Misa and he couldn't stay out in the streets it would be dark soon and he couldn't risk a repeat of last nights events that he'd been trying so hard to forget. But he also couldn't leave L alone with Rem, god knows what questions he'd ask her. And so he stomped back to headquarters with a grimace plastered on his face.

"Decided to join us Light?" Aizawa grumbled as Light entered the conference room.

"Sorry Aizawa, you know what Misa's like" he lied removing his coat.

"Yes, we know Amane is very adamant and persistent and of course completely infatuated with you. Yet she seemed confused when you mentioned you had previously made plans to have a date and since Amane is so infatuated with you it's very strange she'd _forget_ that you were going on a date" L said in monotone.

Light didn't respond. Instead he collapsed into the chair next to L, a little more forcefully than intended as he hissed in pain as he collided with the chair.

"Shall I add that to your ever growing list if symptoms Light-kun?" L asked.

"I don't have symptoms, I'm perfectly fine Ryuzaki" he retorted.

"I'll also add denial" L said before turning away from him, "Now Rem, back to my questions".

Light stiffened, had L been asking Rem questions whilst he was gone? About his so called fourth Kira? If things kept going like this it would only be a matter of time until L could prove Light was Kira...No! He wouldn't allow it, he would just have to eliminate L before he could be convicted.

"Now Rem, it says here that one can control another's actions for up to 23 days before they die, can you control someone's actions if they also posses a Death Note?" L questioned.

"I wouldn't know, we shinigami don't use the Death Note like that" Rem said.

L sighed. "That was your response my every one of my other questions" he complained.

"We shinigami only use the Death Note to expand our lifespans, we have no use for it's other...features" she told him.

"So if shinigami use their notebooks to extend their lives then I presume every shinigami has one?". "Yes that would be correct" L narrowed his eyes, "And so if a shinigami drops their Death Note into the human world they must accompany human who picks it up?".

"Yes, although they have 39 days before they have to enter the human world so it can be a few days before a shinigami will appear" Rem explained.

Light looked on nervously so far Rem hadn't revealed anything important.

"Rem, to your knowledge have any more death notes been dropped into the human world recently?".

Light took a sharp intake of breath _'What was L thinking?'_.

"Not that I'm aware of" Rem said cautiously not wanting to give away anything that would put Misa at risk.

"You believe there is another Death Note" Light's father asked.

"Hmm, just a thought" L mumbled.

"It's getting late, you should all get some rest. I will continue to question the shinigami" L said.

The task force members didn't need to be told twice, exhausted from a longs days work the all went their separate ways leaving L and Light alone with Rem.

"You too Light-kun, you look like you need your sleep. Tiredness is on your list of symptoms" L told him.

"Ryuzaki I am perfectly healthy stop worrying" he mumbled.

"I'm not worrying, your illness doesn't appear to be contagious" he said seriously.

Light sighed in frustration, "I'm going to bed, not because I'm tired or because you told me to but because I can't stand to be in the room with you if you insist on questioning me like this" Light snapped and stomped away.

"Well that was effective, now shinigami back to my questions...".

~

Light flung open his bedroom door and stomped into the room not forgetting to slam it behind him. He flopped onto the bed, he was exhausted but he was too afraid to sleep. Too afraid that he would be plagued by nightmares again, Light couldn't bare the thought of waking up in a cold sweat, panting and crying again. It made him feel weak. Light needed a shower, despite his shower last night and this morning he still felt dirty, perhaps he would need to have more frequent and longer showers to cleanse himself. Light entered the bathroom glancing at his face in the mirror, he could now understand why L thought he was ill. His skin was a sickly pale, with dark circles under his eyes showing his lack of sleep that made him look as though a child had drawn on him with charcoal. His lips were dry and void of colour and his eyes were droopy with sleep deprivation, not to mention the fact he'd been slumped over most if the day not wanting to stand up proud and tall like usual. His posture today had been as bad as L's and his back was aching, Light wondered how the man did it. Light tore his gaze away from the person in the mirror, that person was not him. They were weak and he was a god, he would not let this set him back from achieving his goal. Light stepped into the shower, he had turned it up to the highest temperature in an attempt to clean himself better. He scrubbed at himself most likely removing a few dozen layers if skin in the process but he didn't care-he just had to be clean. The scaling hot water burned his skin but he didn't care, he'd cover up the redness with long sleeves. Light winced as he scrubbed at the dark and painful bruise on his stomach, it was agony to touch but Light knew he had to be clean. So he scrubbed, scrubbed again and then scrubbed again even harder. However Light was unable to clean the one area that felt the dirtiest, he couldn't bare to touch it without screaming in pain he had to shove his fist in his mouth on his first attempt at cleaning it do he wouldn't wake up the entire building. It hurt even just to let the hot water run over it, Light made the choice to move on and wash his hair. He remembered how his attacker had grabbed at his auburn locks and yanked at them.

_'That's a good boy'._

Light let out a cry and he remembered his attackers words. He sunk to his knees the hot water still pouring over his shaking body, he couldn't tell what was the water from the shower and what was his tears. Light stayed there on his knees for what felt like hours just allowing the water to hit his body, eventually he pulled himself up and turned to shower to cold. Icy sheets of water attacked his body cooling him down and calming the harsh red tint of his skin. He shut the shower off and stepped out, wrapping a large fluffy towel around his body, tears still leaking from his eyes. "I am god, I am not weak, I cannot be weak" Light hissed at himself, he looked in the mirror again. All he saw was weakness. Feeling disgusted at him self it took all his strength not to punch the mirror, just to feel something other than weakness, disgust and shame. Instead Light lifted his own hand and slapped himself across the face.

"Weak". Slap. "Disgusting". Slap. "You should have fought back". Slap. "Aren't you supposed to be a god?". Slap. "Why couldn't you stop him?" Slap. "Oh yeah because you're fucking weak". Slap.

Light exited the bathroom and crawled into bed, he lay on his side trying to stop any unneeded pressure being put on his backside. Light wrapped himself up into a bundle of blankets, the sheets were cool against his burning skin. Light turned of the lamp and closed his eyes, he was a god and gods _don't_ have nightmares.

~

_"Light" a voice whispered in the darkness, Light knew the voice. It was so familiar but he wasn't sure who it belonged to. It was low and rough, the voice had spoken his name with a heavy accent which sounded Russian but he couldn't be sure._

_"I know you're Kira and I know what happened to you, disgusting and weak you are" the voice growled._

_Light wanted to cry out for help but he found himself unable to speak, he could only strain his eyes into the complete darkness that surrounded him._

_"I think you're disgusting and weak, and I think you could have fought back. Let's be honest you wanted it, didn't you?" the voice taunted. 'No!' Light wanted to scream. "But my opinion doesn't really matter, after all you don't even know who I am. But what about the task force members? Your father? L? How would they react? Well let's find out" the voice sneered._

_The darkness disappeared from around Light and he found himself in the conference room with the task force, his father and L._

_"You were raped?" Aizawa asked, "That's disgusting Light, get away from me you disgusting little freak" Aizawa screamed at him._

_"Yeah! You're a freak Light, you don't deserve to be part of the task force" Matsuda agreed._

_Light tried to move, tried to talk but found himself unable to do anything but watch the scene in front of him unfold._

_"I don't want people like you near me, you're vile" Ide sneered._

_"Honestly Light you're a disgusting human being, what's wrong with you?" even the usual stoic Mogi had a comment to make._

_Light felt the tears well up in his eyes and fall over onto his cheeks. Slowly, his father began to approach him. He slapped him hard across the face, "You are disgrace to this family, I will not have you and your disgusting lifestyle poisoning my household. You are no son of mine" his fathers worlds stung._

_Light felt more tears run down his face_

_. "Look at him cry, how weak" cackled Ide._

_"Did you fight back?" Light heard L's voice from a corner, "Or did you lie there and take it? Because you wanted it and I know you did. You weren't raped Light, you were probably begging for it. I bet you enjoyed it to, you disgust me" L sneered._

_"See, this is what they think of you" the voice whispered in his ear voice snarled. "You just sit here and take this, just like how you lay there and let that man take you. Be a good boy". Light awoke with a scream._

Gods don't have nightmares but after what happened Light wasn't a god, gods don't get raped. He shuddered as he recalled that voice, where had he heard it from? He thought and thought but couldn't place it. Hours later just as Light was slipping back into the clutches of sleep he thought about the last words the man from the dream spoke to him: _'You just sit here and take this, just like how you lay there and let that man take you. Be a good boy'._

_'Good boy'._

_'That's a good boy'._

And then it clicked, the voice in the darkness, the man from the alley. They were one in the same-was it not bad enough that he had broken Raito in the worst way but now he was here to rub it in. As if things could to get any worse.

~

"What's the meaning of this Ryuzaki?" Aizawa demanded.

L had called the members of the task force in the early hours of the morning informing them to come to headquarters immediately.

"Yeah, you might not need sleep but the rest of us do" Matsuda mumbled through a yawn.

"For once I agree with Matsuda" Aizawa said and Matsuda beamed.

"Sorry I want here sooner Ryuzaki, I'm not as fit as I used to be" the chief says as he entered the conference room sitting down next to Mastuda whose grin grew even larger.

"Excellent we're all here" he said.

"Light's not here" Matsuda pointed out. "Er yes...about that-" L began.

"Do you suspect Light again Ryuuzaki? He's already been cleared under your terms, Light isn't Kira" Aizawa snapped. L ignored Aizawa's sudden outburst.

"I think there is a fourth Kira" L stated.

There was a loud chorus of _'You told that today'_ and _'Couldn't that wait till morning'_.

L let out a frustrated sigh and upon seeing his irritated expression the other task force members fell silent, "And, I think that he's controlling Light-kun using the 23 day rule".


	3. Chapter 3

Light woke with a start. His hair plastered to his sweaty forehead, his heart beating hard against his chest, tears pouring freely down his face. _"Weak"_ he hissed, Light glanced at the clock. It was four in morning, he lay back down wrapping himself in blankets. He knew there was no way he'd be getting back to sleep but it couldn't hurt to try. It had been that same dream, the one with the voice, twice in one night. The voice that taunted and teased him and made him want to vomit. The voice that mocked him and made him feel weak and worthless and sick to his very core. Light tried to stop the tears but they kept coming, soon he found himself sobbing into his pillow. He could have cried for hours but eventually he ran out of tears and he just lay there feeling empty and slightly dehydrated. At this point he really couldn't care less if L had cameras in his room, he didn't care if L saw him scream in his sleep, he didn't care if L saw him waking up gasping for breath or lying wrapped in blankets crying till he had no tears left. _He didn't care._ Or so he told himself he didn't. 

Light sighed and sat up, only half an hour had passed but Light knew he couldn't lie here feeling sorry for himself, crying was for the weak and he was not weak. So he stood up, gripping onto the bed frame to try and stop himself from shaking, he was not entirely successful but he managed to make it to the shower without falling so it wasn't a complete fail. Light got in the shower wincing as the scorching hot water hit his still healing skin, the heat of the water burned his delicate skin but he didn't care he just had to be clean. Light spent an hour in the half in the shower. It hadn't been intentionally he had just washed, washed and washed himself till he realised just how long he'd been showering for. He dried and dressed himself as quickly as he could but his bruises made sudden movements difficult and he didn't want to risk further injury. Besides it was only six, the other task force members didn't arrive until seven at the earliest, L would of course be awake preparing an array of personal questions to interrogate Light with.

"You're up early this morning Light-kun" L stated as Light entered the conference room, he ignored him and sat down.

"I'd add selective hearing to your list of symptoms but I believe you've always suffered from that" L grumbled looking slightly put out at the lack of attention Light gave him.

Light suppressed the urge to snap L's neck, instead he sipped at the coffee he had made. It was too hot and too bitter but Light had hardly consumed anything in the past day and he desperately needed some energy, so he forced it down his throat and tried not grimace too much.

"Perhaps Light-kun would enjoy his coffee more if he added sugar" L said pointing at his own cup which was piled high with sugar cubes.

Light glared at him "I have no intention of becoming diabetic Ryuzaki" he replied shortly. L didn't respond instead he continued to type away in that irritating manor that produced a number of obnoxiously loud clicking noises.

Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Cli-

"I'm going out!" Light snapped standing up quickly, the clicking noises came to a sudden halt as L stared at him.

"Going out for a third day in a row?" L mused.

"Meeting a friend" Light mumbled in response.

"I was unaware that you were so popular Light-kun. Is being a serial killer considered a desirable friendship quality in Japan?" L asked slyly.

"At least my only friend isn't an old man who waits on me hand and foot" Light retorted.

"Watari isn't my only friend Light-kun" L frowned, the younger boy let out a laugh.

"Oh really? Then who else are you friends with" Light sneered.

"You".

Light stopped laughing, "Oh yeah? Well I-I uhh...I need to go" Light stammered as he turned on his heel and left the room feeling considerably flustered.

L stared at his retreating frame, the detective was in a state of despair on one hand he strongly believed Light was Kira-and there was a considerable amount of evidence to back up that theory. However with the sudden change in attitude L could only conclude that Light was either on drugs or he was not in control of his own actions. Not to mention the presence of the Death Note and the unhelpful shinigami had brought to light the 23 day rule which only strengthened the second theory. However if Light really was being controlled then he only had 21 days left to live-based on the premise that this strange behaviour started two days ago. L had not divulged this information to the other task force members and especially not to Light's father- Soichiro's outbursts about Light's innocence tended to give the detective a headache and if there was one thing even L could not work through it was a headache- but he assumed they would be able to deduce that much.

L strongly believed that at one point in time Light Yagami was Kira, and Kira had to be brought to justice-so why was L so opposed to the thought of Light dying?

~

Light sighed as he sat down in an practically abandoned cafe, tucked away and hidden in amongst the chaotic Kanto streets. He sipped at the coffee he had ordered noting that it was slightly better than the cup he had made himself earlier. Light knew it was strange and out of character for him to leave headquarters three days in a row but he couldn't stand to be stuck in there with L and his invasive questions for a moment longer. Light was hoping he could pass off his increase in absence at headquarters as taking advantage of his freedom and no longer being handcuffed to a glorified borderline diabetic frog.

Despite the cafe being mostly empty he had taken several precautions to conceal himself including selecting a table far away from the door and windows as possible, he sat at a small booth made for two people tucked away in the corner concealed by a large potted plant. Light quickly glanced around triple checking that no one was watching him, once he was satisfied he pulled out a few pages from his coat pocket. Pages of the Death Note he had taken from Misa the day before mixed up with sheets of revision notes to disguise what they really were and to help divert suspicion from him. Light had instructed Misa to kill and sexual predators she knew of however he wanted to be the one to personally dispose of the rapists, it would serve as a kind of twisted vengeance. Perhaps Light could pretend that one of the people he would soon eliminate was the man who attacked him, he could pretend this would offer him closure, he could pretend to move on, he could pretend he didn't care and that he had forgotten about the event, he could pretend he wasn't having nightmares and waking up with his heart hammering in his chest with hot and salty tears running down his cheeks. Yes, perhaps he could even pretend that much.

Light hadn't chosen this cafe due to location but due to the fact he knew it always broadcast the news on a small, bad quality TV in the corner. He watched the screen intently and every time someone charged with rape he would take a break from solving equations and scrawl their name across a page all whilst giving the impression that he was just a good college student studying for a test. With Light eliminating anyone charged with rape or sexual assault that was broadcast on TV and Misa taking care of any criminal who slipped through the cracks with her eyes they would hopefully eliminate Light's attacker, he didn't want go through the process of submitting evidence and a statement and on the off chance the found him and took him to court- being in close proximity to that man. So he would settle with the task of killing him himself. That would have to suffice.

~

"I'm bored" Ryuk whined, "And I want an apple" he grumbled twisting his body into an array of unnatural shapes.

"Misa must finish writing names before she gets Ryuk an apple" she said stopping next to a lamppost to scribble the name of a known sex offender she had just spotted.

"We've been at this for hours" Ryuk grumbled, it was true. Misa had been up since the crack of dawn patrolling the Tokyo streets wearing the same disguise she wore when she spotted Light in Aoyama. It was now 2 o'clock in the afternoon and Misa had been all over Tokyo scribbling down names in the spare pages of the Death Note she had in her possession using her eyes to find out the real names of unconvinced criminals. But whilst Misa was perfectly happy to follow Lights's commands Ryuk was not.

"Yes and Misa promised she would get Ryuk some apples once she has completed her Light's request" she said dreamily.

Ryuk made a disgruntled noise "That was three hours ago, just forget about Light and his instructions and get me some apples!".

Misa frowned "But Light said that Misa had to kill these people because they were bad, and if Misa does what he wants then Light will love Misa" the blonde proclaimed.

"Yeah I don't think Light swings that way" Ryuk mumbled his usually booming voice barely audible.

"What?" Misa snapped.

Ryuk coughed hesitantly "Apples. I said apples" he lied.

Misa stomped her foot, "Ugh! Are apples all you care about? God you never talk about anything but apples its so annoying!" she whined.

"Yes, I can imagine it must be very irritating when one person goes on and on for hours on end about one specific topic" Ryuk seethed.

"Hmph" Misa huffed turning away from the shinigami and stomping down the fairly empty street scowling as she seen Ryuk floating behind her as she walked.

"Stop following me you pervert!" she snapped.

"If I could then trust me I would" he grumbled.

"What was that?" Misa asked sharply.

"Apples" Ryuk responded.

She let out a frustrated sigh _"Of course"._

~

  
"And today's victims? Same as always?" Aizawa asked.

"Actually, there has been a change in the pattern of Kira's victims" Mogi responded with a grimace.

At this statement everyone -except for L- sat up a little straighter and everyone -except for L- appeared a little more interested in the report.

"What do you mean?" Matsuda asked.

"Well along with the usual killers, thieves and so on there has been an increase in deaths regarding criminals convicted of sexual assault or rape and there have several victims who were accused of these things but charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence for example" he answered.

"Hmm" L vocalised, "Sensing a pattern Ryuzaki?" Soichiro asked hopefully.

"Not exactly but...no never mind" L said turning back to face his computer.

'Interesting, the change in type of criminals being targeted suggests that either another notebook as brought into the human world or ownership has been passed to another human. However this new Kira still uses the façade of eliminating all criminals...perhaps they are using the same tactic as Higuchi; killing off the same kind of victims as the original Kira in order to protect their real goal which in this case appears to be the elimination of sex offenders. Could this new Kira be a woman? Due to the focus on sex offenders it would be more likely for this Kira to be female but you never know...is this the same Kira that is controlling Light? And if they are then what do they have to gain from controlling him? _Of course- our names and faces_. Could the fourth Kira force Light into giving them the names and faces of the task force members...no surely they'd want to eliminate me and they can't possible think that I would tell Light my name so- _the eyes_. Its possible that this new Kira could force Light into trading for the shinigami eyes finding out my real name, reporting back to the new Kira and then killing me' L zoned out, completely lost in his own thoughts, it was Mastuda's voice that brought him out of his deep thought.

"Got any ideas Ryuzaki?" he asked.

"Yes. I do actually".

~

"Good evening Light-kun, I haven't seen you all day" L said as Light entered the conference room.

"There's a reason for that" he grumbled.

"And would that reason have something to do with you sneaking off to conspire with the fourth Kira?" L sneered.

"Enough Ryuzaki! Light please take a seat" Soichiro said seriously, Light scanned the room taking note of the serious expressions on everyone's faces even the usually bright and chirpy Matsuda looked sombre.

"Dad what's going on?" he asked sitting down.

"Ryuzaki, please explain" the Chief said avoiding eye contact with his son.

L nodded, "Well Light-kun as you may know I believe there is a fourth Kira-".

Light snorted "You haven't mentioned it".

"Light" his father warned.

"Sorry dad, please go on Ryuzaki" he mumbled sheepishly.

"Yes and I believe that they have manages to deduce that you are the original Kira and is using you to find out my real name or leak information to the public-" L was interrupted again,.

"That one was my idea! The leaking information one" Matsuda told Light proudly.

"Yes Matsuda, we know" Aizawa groaned.

"Well Light didn't and I-" Soichiro coughed loudly, "Sorry chief" Matsuda mumbled.

L glared at Matsuda, "As I was saying, I think you are being controlled by a fourth Kira using the 23 day rule to expose my identity and confidential information to the public, and for this reason I want to put you in confinement until the remaining 21 days are up" L concluded.

"What? How could you agree to this dad? I don't want to be cooped up in a tiny cell for days while you watch me through a camera. _Again!"_ Light yelled.

"No Light-kun I think you will find this confinement to be a little more... comfortable and to your liking" L said smiling slightly.

"What are you talking about?" he snapped.

"There will be no cameras, no cells and no handcuffs. Just me and you locked in the 26th floor for the remaining 21 days till you either prove you are not being controlled by a fourth Kira by remaining alive or by proving you were under their control by being...well dead" L finished giving him a look as if to say _'What could go wrong?'_.

 


	4. Chapter 4

"This is it?" Light said turning up his nose and glancing around the room.

 

"Yes Light-kun, I'm sure you will find floor 26 to be satisfactory" L said smugly sitting down on the couch.

 

Light scowled at him, as it turns out floor 26 consisted of one bathroom, one bedroom, one kitchen and one living room. The bookcases that lined the walls holding stacks and stacks of books gave the room a cramped effect and the obscene abundance of computers and monitors only made it appear smaller. Light thought it would be bad enough having to share a tiny bedroom and a tiny bathroom with L never mind sitting on the tiny couch in this tiny room with him. Perhaps Light should just confess, being hanged would likely be less painful than spending 21 days alone with L, at least when they were handcuffed he had other people to talk to.

 

"I have instructed Watari to ensure no one will have access to this floor, and there is no way to get out so don't even bother thinking of an escape plan" L informed him.

 

Light felt his breath catch in his throat. Until now he really hadn't considered the fact that he'd be alone with L, at least while the other were around they created somewhat of a barrier between the two but now Light would have to experience the full blown, undiluted effect of L.

 

L who would always be looming over his shoulder, L who would always be questioning him, L who would never give him a minute’s peace. Light had thought things with L were bad enough before but now after everything that had happened...Light flinched slightly and L narrowed his eyes. He tried to push those thoughts from his mind but it was difficult, they kept creeping up on him. Creeping up on him like cold, clammy hands.

 

"I'm going for a shower" Light announced.

 

L didn't respond, he just stared straight at Light without uttering a word, "Ryuzaki? Did you hear me?" Light asked but L just continued to look at him, his dark eyes boring into his skull.

 

Light squirmed under his gaze, "Ryuzaki?”

 

Light sighed in frustration and left the room heading towards the bathroom, L continued to stare straight ahead at where Light had been standing a few seconds previous. L had expected Light to be disproving of the living situation, he should be thankful originally L had added additional security measures which Watari had strongly advised against. So really Light should consider himself lucky, L didn't mind sharing a room (or a bed for that matter) with Light, he'd done it before and he'd do again. For the case.

 

L shook his head trying to rid his head of any thoughts of Light and tried to focus on the latest case Watari had sent him, whilst investigating Kira he couldn't let his position of world’s greatest detective fall to anyone else so he'd been solving other cases on the side. This one was neither difficult or interesting L sighed pushing away his laptop he had identified the killer from the list of suspects almost instantaneously and couldn't help but wish the case had been a little more enthralling.

 

It wasn't that L enjoyed working on the Kira case what Kira was doing was immoral and unjust but still he couldn't help but find a strange fascination with Light, in some ways they were the same but in others they were polar opposites. L liked to think of them as two sides of the same coin.

 

Light emerged from the shower some time later dressed in new clothes, his hair still slightly damp. L noted that his skin had a slight pink tinge. He sat down cautiously on the couch putting as much distance between himself and L as possible. L wasn't offended, he'd always been the kind of person people would shy away from. Even the task force had always appeared to be a little wary and cautious around him so he could not expect Light to feel any differently especially since Light, for lack of a better term, seemed to hate L's guts.

 

"It's 2.17pm" L stated.

 

Light looked at him in bewilderment, "Yes Ryuzaki, I am perfectly capable of telling the time" he said.

 

"But it's _2.17pm_ " L persisted.

 

"Yes Ryuzaki but I fail to see how that is relevant" Light replied exasperatedly.

 

"Now it's 2.18pm" L mused.

 

Light groaned, "What the hell are you talking about? If this is some kind of test then can we do it another time please, I'm tired".

 

"Hmm" L picked up a small navy blue notebook from the arm of the couch and scribbled something in it, Light strained to see what he was doing, "What is that? What are you writing?" he questioned.

 

"This is a notebook Light-kun, I'd think you would be rather familiar with them" L said a smirk playing on his chapped lips.

 

Light ignored L's remark and rolled his eyes, "Why are writing in it?”

 

"Well the purpose of a notebook is to be written in is it not? But if you must know I was adding fatigue to your list of symptoms" L informed.

 

"Wait what? You have a list of my symptoms? What is wrong with you?" Light yelled.

 

"Many things, now back to the matter at hand it's 2.20pm" L said staring at Light intently, quite frankly Light felt rather uncomfortable under L's intense gaze but instead of looking away he stared straight back into L's eyes which were cold and dark, like empty tunnels.

 

"What is your sudden obsession with time?" he asked exasperatedly.

 

"I just think it's rather unusual for one to be showering at 2.20pm, epically a shower of that duration, are you aware that you spent 37 minutes in there?”

 

"Were you timing me?" Light hissed.

 

"Well of course Light-kun".

 

Light rolled his eyes but didn't say anything, he wasn't really sure how to respond to that news. He was just hoping L had stuck to his words and hadn't put cameras in the bathroom, if he had the he would have been witness to another of Lights shower sobbing session.

 

"You know if roll your eyes anymore then they'll fall out of your head" L said seriously, Light snorted "Did Watari tell you that?" he asked. "Yes" L said.

 

"God you're weird" Light mumbled under his breath so quietly he didn't think that L had heard him.

 

What a _foolish_ thought.

 

"I'm not the one taking 37 minute long showers at 2 o'clock in the afternoon" L snapped. Light groaned, however quirky and strange L may be he was twice as arrogant.

 

"You get frustrated so easily Light-kun" L said with a smug smirk.

 

"Sorry do you find my frustration amusing?" Light sneered.

 

"Yes, the case I'm working on is rather dull so I won't object to a little light entertainment" he replied.

 

"You find the Kira case dull?" Light asked.

 

"Of course not, I've been working on other cases on the side and the last batch that Watari sent are particularly boring" L explained throwing a glance at his laptop.

 

Light resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Typical L he was never satisfied. L sat his laptop down and stood up, "I'm going to get some cake, do you want anything Light-kun?" L asked.

 

"No" Light said shortly.

 

"But Light-kun hasn't eaten today" L protested.

 

"I said no" he growled.

 

L nodded hesitantly and left the room. As soon as his messy dark hair vanished from sight Light pulled the laptop towards him interested to see what this ‘boring’ case L was working on was about. He scanned the screen discovering it was a statement from the victim, it was written in all in English so Light would have to translate. How bothersome.

 

_'...I was walking home from the gym late on Wednesday night when I saw a little girl of about seven crying, when I approached her she told me she couldn't find her way home. I took pity on her and decided to help, she was just child after all I didn't think I was in any danger. I asked her if she knew her address and she told me she lived on Anderson Street, that areas pretty dodgy but I wasn't going to leave this girl out in the streets all night so I took her there. When we arrived the girl ran off and before I could go after her someone grabbed me from behind put a cloth over my mouth. When I woke up I was inside a dark room, not long after I awoke a man came in. He raped me, after he left another man came in and did the same. Then another and another...'_

 

Light stopped reading after that, the words on the screen blurred and he lost his grip on the laptop. It fell to the ground with a thump, crashing the screen. Light felt tears pool in his eyes, he gripped onto the couch and tried to steady his breathing.

 

L came rushing into the room cake in hand. _'Brilliant'_ thought Light, _'Just what I need right now'._

 

"Light-kun are you okay?" L asked urgently sounding confused, Light didn't answer he continued to stare at the ground his entire body rigid.

 

"Light-kun?" L asked again, this time shaking Light's shoulder roughly.

 

Light flinched away from his touch, "Don't do that" he hissed.

 

"Light-kun, I don't understand, what happened?" L said his brow furrowed.

 

"I was reading the case file and I dropped the laptop out of shock, simple as that" Light snarled.

 

"Okay but why did you appear so scared when I came in, it's very unlike you Light-kun" L asked slowly.

 

"I was shocked, I wasn't expecting it and I reacted badly" Light lied.

 

"But still you looked well quite frankly terrified Light-kun, I just don't understand" L said sighing.

 

"Fine. If you must know I was just thinking that...I was thinking this that woman could be Sayu or Misa" Light said trying to be as convincing as possible.

 

L sat down uncomfortably close to Light who had to suppress the urge to flee from the room, "Don't worry Light-kun, this attack took place in Ireland. There is no danger of anything like that happening to your sister or Misa. I'm sure of it" L said confidently.

 

"Thank you Ryuzaki" Light had to stop himself from gagging as he omitted those words, they sounded so strange and foreign coming from his lips.

 

"Anytime Light, now if you excuse me I'll have to go see Watari about a new laptop" L said indicating to his old one which lay at Light's feet, the screen completely shattered.

 

"Sorry about that" Light lied, L nodded in acceptance of his apology and swiftly left the room.

 

Light breathed a sigh of relief that was close far too close for his liking. He would have to start been more careful unless he wanted L to figure out what was going on. In all honesty it was a miracle he hadn't deduced it already. Maybe he's really not as good as he's made out to be.

 

Still Light was grateful, he'd been stupid and clumsy with his lies and he'd really need to formulate a fool proof story to cover up his strange behaviour. He had willingly agreed to be put in confinement as not to arise suspicion, his only request had been that he got to see Misa first. Of course he didn't really want to meet Misa but could you blame him. During their twenty minute encounter she didn't let go of his arm for even a second. She wouldn't even let him use the bathroom because she couldn't stand to be away from her _'precious darling Light_ '.

 

Light would much rather have spent that precious time with Sayu who he hadn't seen in months, but he had to make arrangements so his identity wouldn't be revealed. Even though it pained him to do so he had instructed Misa to add rapists to her list of criminals to kill, he hated surrendering that power, at least when he was actively seeking out rapists to punish he felt as though he was doing something to make the world a better place, he felt like he was making the world safer for himself, for Sayu, for the innocent but above all he felt like he was actually doing something to apprehend his attacker instead of wasting his time crying in the shower and prodding at bruises.

 

But now? Now he was sitting sad and a cold with damp hair on blue tweed couch in a tiny and cramped room, waiting for L to come back in the hope that his presence would distract him from the overwhelming urge to curl up in a ball and cry till he died of dehydration.

 

It wasn't that Light was suicidal, he didn't want to kill himself but he also wouldn't really mind if a meteor hit the earth and wiped out the entire human race at that very moment. Light didn't want to die because he knew the pain his family would feel and he couldn't put Sayu through that, in all honesty he never cared much for his parents.

 

His father worked a lot and he was hardly ever around when he and Sayu were growing up, he could forgive his father for missing his tennis matches and chess championships but he could never forgive him for the way Sayu cried when he was unable to make it to her ballet recital because he was away at work.

 

And as for his mother, she was desperate for the perfect son with perfect grades no matter the cost. She only saw the 100%'s and A's and she only heard the _'you must be so proud of your son'_ and the _'your son is a genius'_. She didn't see 14 year old Light pulling all-nighters to study causing him to become sleep deprived, she never saw the paper cuts etched deep into his thumbs as a result of continuously turning the pages of his textbooks, and she never saw the stress he put himself through so he would always be number one.

 

He couldn't care less about how his parents would take his death, his father probably wouldn't look up from a case file long enough to notice his absence and his mother would just be disappointed that she no longer had anyone to live vicariously through or show off to her friends. But Sayu? She would be devastated and Light knew he couldn't leave her alone with their parents, they'd messed him up pretty bad, and he couldn't let the same happen to Sayu. In truth his sister was the only person he’d ever truly cared about and he knew he had to protect her.

 

Besides he didn't really want to die, he just wished he'd never existed.

 

~

 

"Okay Lawliet I will bring you a new laptop but if you don't mind be inquiring, what exactly happened to the last one?" Watari asked, his voice was slightly muffled over the phone but fortunately L had the ears of a bat.

 

"Light-kun broke it" he informed him.

 

"And how did he manage that?" Watari questioned sounding slightly bemused.

 

"You're full of questions today but if you must know he dropped it" L answered.

 

"Dropped it?”

 

"Yes. Dropped it. On the floor. Screen smashed, I'll need to do a full data transfer, I was in the middle of a case as well" L complained.

 

"Ah yes the Anderson Street case, particularly nasty that one" Watari said.

 

"I agree, it would appear that Light-kun did too. In fact he was so shocked by it he dropped the laptop, that's how it broke" L explained.

 

"Hmm, that's rather unlike Light" Watari stated.

 

"My thoughts exactly, when I asked him about it he said he was thinking about something like that happening to his sister" L informed the older man.

 

"Yagami-san did mention that Light has always been rather protective over Sayu. Apparently they were very close as children" Watari said.

 

"Hmmm, in any case I'll need that laptop as soon as possible" L said quickly diverting the topic and hoping that the older man wouldn't pick up on it. Thankfully he did not, "Yes of course, right away Lawliet".

 

L hung up the phone and went back into the living room where he found Light asleep on the couch hugging his knees into his chest. L stood and stared at him for a few minutes, his hair was now dry but was messy and uncombed. It was a look that was unusual on him but not at all unattractive, there were dark circles under his eyes similar to L's own indicative of the lack of sleep he had been receiving. Light looked younger when he was asleep, he looked innocent. And he almost didn't look like a mass murder driven by a psychotic and childish sense of justice.

 

L heard a knock that would be Watari with his laptop they had plenty spare about the building incise of situations just like this. L picked up a blanket and covered Light’s body with it and then without a much as looking back at him he went to answer the door leaving Light alone on the couch.


	5. Chapter 5

Light woke up lying on something soft, he sat up and looked around feeling considerably confused. He was a lying in a bed, a large double bed which was layered with thick sheets and plump pillows. He began to feel panicked when he realised he had no idea where he was, he didn't recognise the room and he felt rather groggy from his nap, he just couldn't think straight.

 

"Light-kun you're awake" L said entering the room with a portion of cake in hand.

 

"Where am I?" Light hissed.

 

"You're in your new room Light-kun" L informed him perching on the armchair in the corner of the room.

 

"How did I get here? Did you drug me?" he demanded.

 

"Of course not Light-kun, that would be immoral. You simply fell asleep on the couch so Watari carried you through here" L explained. Light shuddered at the thought of the older man touching him, even if he wasn't conscious at the time he didn't like it.

 

"So it's perfectly acceptable for you to in prison my girlfriend and deprive her of basic human rights but slipping me a few pills would be immoral" Light hissed.

 

"Girlfriend?" L mumbled in a questioning tone.

 

"Yes Ryuzaki my girlfriend, you know short, blonde, voice high enough to shatter glass" Light said condescendingly.

 

"I'm well aware of who your girlfriend is Light-kun, I do recall all those long afternoons you made me spend in her room. I was just surprised, I've never heard you refer to her as that before" L mumbled through a mouthful of cake.

 

"Jealous?" Light said smirking.

 

L felt his body stiffen, of course he wasn't jealous. That would imply he wanted to be romantically involved with Light, after all he was a slightly psychotic mass murderer but still he couldn't help but dislike Light's relationship with Misa, "No, of course not" he said shortly rolling his eyes.

 

"You know Ryuzaki, if you roll your eyes anymore they'll fall out of your head" Light said mocking L's earlier comment.

 

When L didn't answer Light collapsed back into the bed melting into the soft sheets, he turned his head and glanced at the clock. It read 1.23am.

 

"Ryuzaki your clock is broken" Light mumbled.

 

"No it's not" he replied.

 

"Yes it is, it can't be 1.23am" he said.

 

"Yes it is Light-kun, you slept for approximately 13 hours" L informed him.

 

"No, that’s not possible..." Light's voice trailed off, he hadn't really slept for 13 hours had he? No, that was impossible, he couldn't go that long without waking up screaming with another nightmare. So was this some sort of test? No, that couldn't be it either. Surely not even L could deduce anything from that but still 13 hours was a long time for someone to sleep.

 

"Actually it is Light-kun, you've hardly slept or eaten for the past few days it was bound to take its toll on you at some point" L said.

 

"Whatever" Light grumbled.

 

"You should have something to eat Light-kun, you need to keep your energy up" L said.

 

"Why do you care about my health all of a sudden?" Light snapped.

 

"I can't have my top suspect dying" L said, blunt and honest as always.

 

"Oh so I'm back to being a _suspect_ am I?" Light sneered, "I was under the impression that I was being controlled by another Kira, or have you finally came to the conclusion that is ridiculous?”

 

"No Light-kun, you always have been a suspect and you always will be until I prove you guilty and I stand by my fourth Kira theory."

 

"Well then please do tell me of this theory Ryuzaki, I'm all ears."

 

"Well the most likely theory is that another Death Note made its way into the human world and was picked up by a woman, due to the dramatic increase in the number of sex offenders recently killed there is an 84% chance this fourth Kira is female. Also due to the fact that the names of the majority of the names of said sex offenders killed were never made public it is likely that she made the eye trade. I learned from the Shinigami that humans who possess the eyes cannot see the lifespans of those who own a Death Note, I believe this is how Kira number four found out that you were indeed Kira number one, I've also come to the conclusion this is how Misa was able to identify you as Kira that day in Ayoama. After the fourth Kira identified you and deduced that you are part of the task force she began to control you using the 23 day rule in order to gain access to classified information and perhaps in the hope she could use you to find out my real name and the names of the other task force members and Watari. After that she would dispose of us and likely you then she could either claim the title of Kira and having defeated me rule as a god or whatever her childish goal was or she could claim the titles of both L and Kira, that would be interesting now wouldn’t it Light-kun? However while this fourth Kira may be smarter than Misa she seemed to have forgotten that I am the best detective in the world and I of course noticed your behavioural changes, I imagine having someone playing puppet master with your mind would make you act a little strange."

 

"Yes well that's all very impressive Ryuzaki, but have you considered the possibility that you're wrong and that I'm still in control of my own body?" Light asked.

 

"Impossible, I am never wrong."

 

"Always the pessimist" Light mumbled sarcastically.

 

"I don't understand Light-kun, I was not being pessimistic" L said frowning.

 

"It was a joke."

 

"This is no time for jokes Light-kun, you're going to die in 20 days" L stated.

 

"I'm not going anywhere Ryuzaki because I'm not under anyone's control, okay?" Light said sounding frustrated.

 

"I would beg to differ."

 

Light didn't answer, how had he allowed himself to get into this situation? He was in bad enough condition both mentally and physically and didn't need L's persistent questioning making it worse. Light was always on edge, he was paranoid and jumpy and felt ready to burst into tears at any possible moment. However Light was also disgusted at himself, with every tear he shed there was a slap across the face to compensate. He wasn't quite sure how he could simultaneously feel despair and disgust and was sure his head would burst at any moment. Not to mention the nightmares, he hadn't woken up screaming for once and for that he was thankful but the nightmares were present as always. And physically his body ached, the bruises although they were fading they were still tender and agonising when touched, not to mention he was terrified there was some kind of permanent internal damage. It wasn't as if Light could go to a hospital, for starters he wasn't exactly at liberty to leave the building when he wanted and even he could he was still a minor and that meant that the rape would have to be reported have to be reported to the police which meant his father would be informed. He could always ask Ryuzaki to take him to the hospital but even then he would have to explain why and Light couldn't decide what was worse his father knowing or L knowing.

 

His father would be disgusted. Despite his role as a police officer he had _always_ disapproved of rape victims, Light remembered one night when he was about nine. His father came in late and angry, Light was supposed to be asleep but has stayed up to read. He heard his father telling his mother the story of a young woman who had stumbled into the station claiming to have been raped, at first the police hadn't even believed her. They brushed her off, told her she was asking for it, that it was her fault. And Light's father had the audacity to complain about getting home late because the poor woman 'put up a fuss'. Light remembered the scornful remarks his mother made regarding the woman, he remembered the way his father made the woman out to be a foolish whore. At the time Light hadn't known what rape was-immediately after he heard his parents retreat to their bedroom he had seized his laptop and looked it up. Being more advanced than most nine year olds he understood everything he read and understood it was a serious matter. He didn't giggle or scoff at it like many of his classmates would have, he felt empathetic towards the girl, an emotion he was not familiar with. Based on that experience Light knew he could never allow his father to know of what had happened.

 

However L was a different story, Light had no prior knowledge on L's views on rape so he had no way to calculate his reaction. For a moment Light wondered if L would even be aware of what rape was but then be remembered that L was the world’s greatest detectives and had been likely solving cases his entire life-there had to have been at least a mention of rape in one of his many cases. The way Light saw it things with L could go one of two ways, on one hand he would be a socially awkward babbling mess who would try to give Light some kind of reassurance that he thought no less of him which would likely only make Light feel worse or he would become cold and distant. Not that Light would care all that much, if anything he'd be glad to put distance between them but still Light couldn't stand the thought of someone looking down on him.

 

So Light concluded that everything would be easier if he suffered in silence.

 

"Are you okay Light-kun, you haven't spoken for a few minutes. That is very unlike you."

 

Light turned at glared at L who was staring at him intently, his eyes wide "Yes Ryuzaki, I'm fine."

 

L didn't answer him, he continued munching at his cake looking quite content. Light sighed and rested his head back on the plush pillow, it had been a day and his sleep cycle was already messed up. He was still deliberating the possibility that L had drugged him, he wouldn't put it past him he had gone to extreme measures in the past. Still Light hadn't consumed in food or drink that L could have had the chance to lace so it was likely he had fallen asleep of his own accord.

 

"Also Light-kun, Misa called when you were asleep."

 

"Hmm? What did she say?" Light mumbled.

 

"You know the usual, 'Ryuzaki you pervert let my Light go' with some other high pitched squeals I couldn't comprehend."

 

"I'll call her back in the morning."

 

"It is morning" L stated.

 

"You know what I mean Ryuzaki" Light sighed.

 

"Actually Light-kun I often don't know what you mean, you're a very secretive person who makes very ambiguous statements."

 

"Name one."

 

"Just yesterday you said I'm not Kira."

 

"That's not ambiguous Ryuzaki, that's the truth."

 

"Except it's not, and you're Kira. You're also being controlled by another Kira hence the increased grumpiness."

 

"I'm not Kira!" Light snapped.

 

"There you go again with your ambiguous statements."

 

"Ryuzaki I'm tired, please stop with the accusations" Light mumbled pulling the blanket over his head.

 

L stood up from his chair and slowly approached the bed, he pulled the blanket away from Light and started at him, tilting his head to the side slightly.

 

"How can I help you?" Light asked sarcastically.

 

"Well if you admitted to being Kira that would help me a lot but since you're under the control of Kira number four that is very unlikely."

 

Light stared at him blankly.

 

"But judging by your facial expression you were being sarcastic again, right?" L asked.

 

"I thought you were supposed to be some great detective yet you can't detect sarcasm" Light mused.

 

"In case you haven't noticed Light-kun, I'm socially inept and I have had very little human contact with anyone except Watari my entire life."

 

Light sighed and shook his head, "Either go to sleep or go away."

 

L climbed into the bed next to Light, "Goodnight Ryuzaki" Light said turning on his side and trying to put as much distance between the two of them as possible.

 

Light could feel his heart hammering against his chest, he hadn't really expected L to go to sleep never mind climb into the bed and lie next to him. Light hesitantly lifted his arm and turned off the lamp, he could hear L shuffling about in what he expected was an attempt to get comfortable. Light sighed, hopefully he'd fall asleep soon and wouldn't have to deal with L's squirming and then when woke up his sleep cycle would be back on track.

 

But apparently that was just too much to ask. L had moved so much that he was now so close to Light that he could actually feel L's breath on his neck as a result of this Light had moved so close to the edge of the bed he was practically falling out of it. Light turned round only to see Ryuzaki staring directly at him his eyes wide.

 

 "Ryuzaki stay on your side of the bed" he snapped.

 

L moved back slightly but he was still uncomfortably close to Light, "Ryuzaki you can either sleep on your side of the bed or you can sleep on the floor."

 

"Are you uncomfortable with me being this close to you Light-kun?" L asked.

 

"Yes, I am. So if you could kindly mo-."

 

Light was cut off by L, "I suppose it is normal for anyone to be uncomfortable with someone breathing in their ear."

 

"Yes Ryuzaki it is. Now if could please just mo-."

 

Light was interrupted again, "Still I thought you would have grown used to what Watari refers to as my 'invasive behaviour'" he continued.

 

"Where exactly are you going with this Ryuzaki?" Light questioned.

 

"Nowhere, I'm trying to make you feel uncomfortable and under pressure in the hope that you'll let some information slip."

 

"Well I'm very uncomfortable now, thank you Ryuzaki."

 

"You're welcome."

 

Light sighed in exasperation, "Sarcasm Ryuzaki, do you need me to spell it out for you?"

 

"I'm quite alright thank you Light-kun" L said continuing to stare intently at Light.

 

"Ryuzaki, stop staring at me" Light whined.

 

"I told you, I’m trying to make you uncomfortable and feel under pressure in order to-."

 

This time it was Light who cut off L, "Yes so I'll slip up and give you information proving I'm Kira- _which I'm not_ -but please do tell me Ryuzaki does this new tactic mean you have discarded the fourth Kira theory? I mean surely you must know that if there was a fourth Kira- _which there isn't_ -and if I was being controlled- _which I'm not_ -then said- _non-existent_ -fourth Kira would ensure that I would be unable to give you any information of that nature."

 

"Yes Light-kun that is a fair point however as I mentioned before the fourth Kira is not all that intelligent and it is likely that she would not have made said arrangements to prevent you from giving out information and even if she had there has to be some kind of loophole."

 

"You're desperate for some kind of lead aren’t you?" Light said smirking.

 

L didn’t answer he continued to stare at him pretending he wasn’t affected by Lights words pretending to hard and cold like always and Light stared back pretending he wasn’t on the verge of tears due to his close proximity to L, acting strong and confident like always.

 

"Honestly Ryuzaki, you should be out looking for the real Kira instead of trying to convince everyone of this ridiculous fourth Kira idea, you're supposedly the greatest detective in the world and yet that’s all you can come up with?"

 

L didn't respond. He wasn't quite sure how to respond, why was it that the only time he'd ever been unable to think of a sharp remark was when it came to Light Yagami? _It just wasn't fair._  L didn't quite understand it him, it just felt that whenever Light was around he was unable to think properly. Not because he had some kind or romantic attraction to Light that was throwing him off but because the boy was always ready to contradict him and L wasn't used to that. And he defiantly didn't like it, L had always been the best of the best and had never had any real competition in terms of intelligent or deductive skills but now after meeting Light L was unsure. Unsure that he really was the best, because more often than he would like to admit Light came up with better ideas before him.

 

Light had been the one to notice the success Yotsuba was having as a result of Kira's murders. Light had been the one to come up with the plan to fake Matsuda's death. Light had been the one who came up with the plan to catch Higuchi.

 

Light didn't get enough credit, maybe because L was receiving the credit for Light's ideas and plans in order to boost his ego a little. L knew that recently he hadn't been performing to the best of his abilities but he was so sure about this fourth Kira theory and he was so desperate for it to be proven correct to show that he was still capable of living up to his title.

 

But L knew that in order for his theory to be proven correct Light would have to die. L didn't want that. He had meant what he said when he told Light that he was his first real friend and he didn't want his first real friend to die. But L was also selfish. Part of him was willing to let Light die just so he could have some success with the Kira case.

 

L's mind was at war and the cause of said war was the man he was intently staring at- Light Yagami.

 

And so unable to comprehend his thoughts L rolled over and closed his eyes.

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

When Light awoke he found that L had already vacated the bed. Upon making this discovery Light couldn't help but smile. Light had laid awake for what felt like an eternity terrified, eventually he realised that it was L he was talking about and that he wasn't going to hurt him but still he was glad he was gone. Light rolled over spreading his entire body out like a starfish, stretching out all of his tense muscles. He closed his eyes and just lay there and cleared his mind, allowing himself to relax for the first time in months. As it turns out being god of the new world was an exhausting ordeal and Light hadn’t slept in days, if he really was to defeat L then he would need to be at his full mental capacity although judging his current situation that was unlikely to be happening any time soon.

 

Light felt slightly shaken he'd had that dream again. The one with the voice, his _attacker’s_ voice. He tried to push away the uneasy feeling that rested in his gut but it stayed, weighing him down like a sack of potatoes. The dream had been relatively similar to the last time, well the actual content had been different but in the sense that Light was terrified, shaking and on the verge of tears it was similar.

 

He got out of bed leaving behind the warmth and comfort of the bed as his bare feet made contact with the cold floor. L had opened the window last night, promising to close it before he slept so the room wouldn't get cold. Of course he had ' _forgotten'_. The gentle, icy breeze nipped at Lights skin through his thin pyjamas and he felt goose bumps appearing across his body. Muttering curses under his breath he rushed into the bathroom which was only slightly warmer than the bedroom and stripped off his pyjamas and leapt into the shower. He turned the temperature as high as he could bear and scrubbed at his fragile skin. His bruises where no longer as tender and most of them had begun to fade from purple to yellow, with the exception of the bruise on his stomach which was still dark and painful. Light had come to the conclusion that his attacker must have been wearing metal toe caps as that particular bruise causes him tremendous pain. Most of the small cuts and scratches that had littered his body had faded away to nothing but a few faint lines but Light had other scars to cover.

 

He hadn't intended for this to become a regular occurrence. The first time was nothing more than an accident, a tiny insignificant cut he acquired whilst shaving. He'd been thinking about that night and distracted had allowed the razor to slip and suddenly he wasn't focusing on the attack anymore, on the contrary it was the farthest thing from his mind. All he had been focusing on was the stinging pain on his cheek and the possibility that this new physical pain was a way to distract himself from his physiological pain. And the tiny accidental incision he had made that night had escalated into something he didn’t really know how to control, it provided a distraction from his trauma but it hurt. And Light wasn’t quite sure if enjoyed the pain or enjoyed the distraction. Either way he knew it was wrong but what that man did to him was wrong and he hadn’t faced any repercussions so why couldn’t the same be said for Light? It left blood he had to clean up and it left marks he had to cover up but Light wasn’t going to give it up, it was the closest thing to therapy he would get.

 

Light was smart. He knew that there was something wrong with his mental state, normal people don’t wake up in a cold sweat screaming bloody murder, normal people don’t flinch at loud noises and the slightest of physical contact and normal people don’t have to slice up their skin to pull themselves out of a flash back and Light wasn’t a normal kid, his father was a police officer and he was Kira. He'd never been normal, he was always too smart to be shoved into that category but even then the old Light, the Light from before the attack, _the happy Light_ never had to deal with flashbacks and cuts.

 

Light now understood what Ryuk had meant about those who possess a Death Note knowing only pain and suffering, if he hadn’t picked up the death note he wouldn’t have become Kira, and if he hadn’t become Kira L would never have become involved and set up a task force, and if L had never set up a task force he would never had been a suspect, and if he had never been a suspect he would never have had to join the task force, and if he had never joined the task force he never would have went out that night, and if he hadn’t gone out that night he wouldn’t have been raped, and if he hadn’t gotten raped then maybe, _just maybe_ he could have been happy. But maybe even that’s a bit of a long shot.

 

For the first time in forever Light felt as though the death note was a burden, some people have white whales and others have black notebooks.

 

~

 

L was typing viciously on his laptop when Light emerged from the bathroom a considerable amount of time later and entered the living room. He stopped typing for a moment, only for long enough to glance up at Light and take note of the hollowness of his cheeks, the unnatural pallor of his skin, his chapped lips and the dark circles not unlike his own which rested under his eyes. He only stopped for a second to note how much Light resembled a corpse before he averted his eyes away, unable to look at him a second longer in fear that he would not be able to stop staring. Light who had one been bright and ambitious had now been reduced to nothing more of a shell of the person he used to be. It was as if all of his personality had been drained away and left him dull and empty that was the kind of feeling L got when he looked a Light. He felt a strange combination of sorrow, gratitude and fear.

 

Sorrow that his best and only friend was in this state. Gratitude that Kira was disadvantaged. And fear that something inside of Light had snapped and that he'd never be the same again, fear that he'd always have this grey cloud of depression hanging over his head and fear that there something seriously wrong with Light. L had convinced himself Lights strange behaviour was a result of the fourth Kira and he stood by his theory, but he didn’t know if Light was like this because he was being controlled or because he was confined with L. Or even worse, he was acting like this because there was something wrong with him that even L couldn't fix.

 

"Good morning Light-kun."

 

"Morning Ryuzaki" Light mumbled in response, despite sleeping for well over half a day he was still tired.

 

"You should have some breakfast" L said indicating to the meal of cake and candy he was eating.

 

"And you should have diabetes with all the sugar you eat" Light snapped.

 

L narrowed his eyes, "Light-kun seems tense, perhaps he would like to hear some jokes to cheer him up."

 

"No."

 

"What's green, has four legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?" L asked.

 

"I neither know nor care Ryuzaki."

 

"A pool table."

 

Light stared at L, his face blank and void of all and any emotion. Needless to say he had not found L’s joke funny.

 

"Perhaps you will enjoy this one more Light-kun, what’s white and sits in the middle of a field?"

 

Light didn’t say anything he just played with the sleeves of his sweater.

 

"A fridge."

 

Light groaned, "You’re not funny Ryuzaki."

 

"This one’s funny I promise, what’s the difference between a blonde and bowling ball?" L said turning to look at Light who had perched himself on the couch as far away from L as he could possibly get whilst remaining on the couch.

 

Light sighed, “I don’t know Ryuzaki, what is the difference?"

 

"A blonde is a human being and bowling balls are inanimate objects used in the sport of bowling."

 

"These are awful L! That whole fourth Kira business, now that was a good joke but these aren’t funny and I honestly can’t think of a single person who would laugh at them, not even _Matsuda_ would give you a pity giggle."

 

"You called me L" he said with a frown.

 

"Yeah so what?" Light asked.

 

"You never call me that, you always call me Ryuzaki."

 

"There both valid aliases, I don’t see the big deal."

 

"Well yes that may be true but..." L's voice trailed off midsentence as he was unable to come up with the correct words to describe his train of thought.

 

"But what?" Light asked is impatience and frustration going.

 

"But L is how I am known to the world, to them I'm L. L the super detective behind the computer with mysterious alias and a cool font. But to you and the taskforce I'm Ryuzaki and you’re my friend Light-kun so I would hope that I'm more to you than a smart guy with a computer and a fake name and I'd hope that me allowing you to even see my face would mean something, mean that we're colleagues or friends or something, just that we're something more than strangers."

 

"L- no wait sorry _Ryuzaki_ , I'm not in the mood for analysing the name I call you by” Light snapped rubbing his temples.

 

"Perhaps you would like to analyse the common traits you and other mass murders share, for example were you a bed wetter past the age of five?"

 

"What kind of question is that? I'm not a mass murder Ryuzaki and I'm not Kira."

 

"There you go again with your ambiguous comments."

 

"That wasn’t even ambiguous! Ryuzaki do you even know what ambiguous means?" Light asked exasperatedly.

 

"No."

 

"Aren’t you supposed to be a genius?" Light asked.

 

"That doesn’t mean I know the definition of every word in every language Light-kun, sometimes I think you forget that I'm only human."

 

Light wasn’t really sure how to respond to that. So he didn’t. He just sat on the couch in a similar position to L hugging his knees into his chest and pulling the sleeves of his sweater over his hands.

 

"I appear to be influencing you" L said motioning with his head to the way Light sat.

 

"You’re not influencing me Ryuzaki."

 

"What other explanation is there for you sitting like that?"

 

"I'm cold."

 

"You're wearing a sweater Light-kun."

 

"I'm still cold."

 

"The heating is on."

 

"Yes Ryuzaki but I'm still cold" Light snapped, it wasn’t a lie he was rather chilly despite his woollen sweater and the radiator being on. L stood up and began to shuffle about, looking under piles of books and papers till he found what he was looking for.

 

"Here, take this" L said throwing a blanket at Light which hit him square in the face.

 

Light glared at him and pulled a few of the woollen fibres from his mouth, "Thank you" he snapped.

 

"You're welcome."

 

They sat for what felt like hours, the only sound in the otherwise silent room was the click of L's keyboard. Light had taken to reading the sheets of paper L left about, witness statements and suspect lists for every crime imaginable. They didn't make much sense as they were in no apparent order but it was better than staring at a blank wall and Light didn't dare touch the books on the walls, they looked old and fragile and quite frankly boring. Not to mention they'd probably fall into the 'if you touch them then you're Kira' category.

 

"Are you still cold Light-kun?"

 

"No, not anymore."

 

"Good, now you can help me."

 

"Help you?" Light questioned.

 

"Yes, help me. You're going to be here for another 20 or so days you can make yourself useful."

 

"You want me to help you solve cases?" Light asked in disbelief.

 

"Have I not made that obvious?”L said.

 

"But what about confidentially?"

 

"You've been reading my files for the last three hours, besides you're going to die in 20 days so it's not like you'll have anyone to tell."

 

"And if you're wrong and I don't die?"

 

"Then I'll have to kill you."

 

"You can't do that!" Light protested.

 

"You're right, I won't be able to kill you because you'll already be dead."

 

Light rolled his eyes, quite frankly he didn't have the energy to argue with L.

 

"Just tell me about the case" Light said with a sigh.

 

"Two women in LA were found dead, throats slit" L said moving closer to Light allowing him to see the laptop. Light instinctively flinched but forced himself to continue to stay in his spot.

 

"Any forensic evidence?" Light asked.

 

"Oh yes, plenty. Hairs were found al over the crime scene."

 

"So why don't you just arrest the suspect?"

 

"We can't."

 

"Why not? You evidence do you not?"

 

"That's part of the problem."

 

"Care to explain?" Light asked.

 

"Both women were hair dressers and were found dead inside their salon, hair of the murderer very well may be have been found but so was the hair of another hundred or so people from all across LA."

 

"Oh."

 

"Yes. Oh. Now you see the problem."

 

"Did the salon keep record of the clients whose hair they had cut that day or in the days previous? Then you could compare the record with the DNA and anyone who’s DNA which is found at the scene but whose name isn't in the records is likely the killer."

 

"Do you think I haven't already thought of that?" L snapped.

 

"Well have you?" Light asked his curiosity getting the better of him.

 

"Well...no but-."

 

"Wow Ryuzaki, you really are slipping. First you ask for my help then you can't even come up with that simple solution. You need to sort yourself out."

 

"Hmph, you’re one to talk."

 

Light rolled his eyes, “What’s that supposed to mean?" he asked.

 

"Look at yourself Light-kun, you're ridiculously pale, and you have under eye circles that could rival a panda. You look like a corpse. Not to mention the way you flinch when I touch you-honestly I'm beginning to wonder if you’re scared of me" L said with a smirk.

 

"Why would I be scared of _you?_ " Light retorted trying to keep his voice steady.

 

"Because maybe you've realised that you’ve lost, I know you’re Kira and you know deep down I’m right about the fourth Kira which means you’re going to die very soon, I imagine anyone childish enough to try and become a god would be afraid of death."

 

"I'm not scared of you Ryuzaki, for god’s sake you’re a skinny little freak who sits around on his laptop all day eating cake. You’re a grown man, its time you started acting like one! Honestly were you raised in a barn?" Light said with a smirk and a tone of superiority.

 

"No, I was raised in an orphanage."

 

"What?" Light asked nervously.

 

"Were you unaware of this?"

 

"Well you’re not exactly an open person Ryuzaki."

 

"Neither are you but I have deduced just about everything about you, but yes I was raised in an orphanage but don’t expect that to give you any indication of my identity, you’ll never figure that out. But I apologise if my upbringing is not to your satisfaction, I can assure you it was not pleasant for me either."

 

Light wasn’t sure how to respond, L didn’t seem angry just slightly irritated and perhaps a little defensive. Light couldn’t think of a time when L had been angry, the man wasn’t exactly a calm person it was more that he was emotionless. L thought with head and seemed to forget he even had a heart, sometimes Light wondered if L felt emotions. If he did, he certainly didn’t show it.

 

Light was somewhere in between, he didn’t wear his heart on his sleeve but he was only human, sometimes he broke and sometimes he showed his emotions, his weaknesses. This had become more of a regular occurrence in regard to recent events.

 

Still, he never would have pinned L as an orphan, he hadn’t really given it much thought in all honesty, Light tried to avoid thinking about the fact L was someone’s child, and he had parents, at one point in time L had been a baby. No, Light much preferred to think of L as some sort of robot designed for solving crime, he didn’t want to accept the fact that L was human.

 

Just like him.

 

Because really they were equal. L and Kira, Light and Ryuzaki. Whatever way you looked at it they were both equal in the sense that they were both human. They both felt happiness and excitement, sadness and fear. They both ate and slept and showered. They both got sick and tired and angry. They forgot things and they were late for appointments. They both bled when they were cut and cried when they were sad.

 

But that’s the thing with being human everyone is equal in a sense; and by that logic everyone breaks at some point.


	7. Chapter 7

It was silent. An empty and uncomfortable silence. It enveloped the room surrounding the two boys in the eerie quiet. Their breaths were short and shallow and they carefully turned pages and tapped at keyboards as if not wanting to make a sound, as if they were afraid any form of noise would result in nuclear explosions. Not even L had dared to open his mouth and spit out an obnoxious or accusing comment and due to L's silence Light wasn’t constantly having to come up with quick and defensive retort, teetering on the edge of a confession. A stranger to their predicament might have looked onto the scene and seen two friends, sitting in harmony in a comfortable silence. But that was not the case.

The pair were neither friends nor was the silence comfortable. The shared a couch but Light had positioned himself so far away from L that he was barely even on the couch and even L was showing a disinterest in Light for once having built a small barrier between them out of dirty plates, empty mugs and scrunched up pieces of paper. The tension between them was so thick it could have been cut with a knife, although due to Light's current irritation towards L he would be quite pleased to cut the smug detectives throat with a knife, or better yet himself.

The silence still had a strong presence in the room, hanging over it like a thick blanket. However the silence was broken by the sharp ringing of a telephone. Instinctively both L and Light's heads shot up from their work out of both curiosity as to who would be on the other end of the line and irritancy at being disrupted from their work.

Light sighed lifting a pile of paper from his lap, placing them down on the empty space next to him and then he shifted his weight as if he was about to stand up and go answer the phone and put a halt to that obnoxious and shrill ringing.

"What are you doing?" L asked.

"I'm going to answer the phone."

"Why?"

"What do you mean why Ryuzaki?" Light snapped.

"I mean why are you going to answer the phone?"

"Because that’s what you're supposed do when it rings."

"Interesting."

Light groaned, "Stop doing that" he growled.

"Doing what Light-kun?"

"Treating me like a lab rat, commenting on my every move just cut it out! It’s not 'interesting' that I go to answer the phone when it rings, it’s a social protocol. You're not some superior overlord here to observe the lowly humans you're here to solve the Kira case!"

"Sorry Light-kun, I forget that you're the one who likes to play god, or as you put it superior overlord" L retorted his voice void of any emotion.

Light stared at him in disbelief for a moment, "Whatever Ryuzaki, I'm going to answer it. That thing is giving me headache."

L watched as Light stood up, knocking a few sheets of the couch in the process and made his way towards the door. He watched as Light carefully stepped over piles of paper and empty mugs. He watched as he stuck out one of his long legs and he watched as Light tripped over it and fell face first onto the floor.

"Ryuzaki! What the fuck?" Light yelled.

"You are a suspect you can't answer the phone, also watch your language."

"Let me up you fucking prick" he hissed.

"It's very unusual to see you this frustrated Light-kun, are you okay?" L mocked.

Light was not okay. He was currently lying flat on the ground with L's foot pushing down firmly on the small of his back. This position was all too familiar, images flashed through Light's mind. That night, the man, the pain.

'That's a good boy'

He felt weak and powerless, here he was once again being pushed down by another man and this time it was L. Light desperately wanted to shove L's foot away and snap his neck, but he was surprisingly strong and he was digging right into one of Light's more painful bruises.

"I bet you don't feel like much of a god now" L snarled.

"Get off" Light said his voice breaking, tears pooling in his eyes.

L snorted, "Fine. Don't be such a drama queen."

Light picked himself up, furiously wiping tears from his cheeks.

"Light-kun are you...crying?" L asked cautiously.

"No!"

Light sniffed as he desperately tried to conceal his tears but they just kept coming, flowing from his eyes like a salty waterfall.

"Yes you are" L said standing up and shuffling over to Lights shaking frame reaching out to wipe away his tears.

Light shoved his hand away, "Don't" he sniffed.

"I don't understand Light-kun, why are you crying?"

"I'm not crying! Crying is weak and I'm not weak. I'm not weak. I'm not we-" Light's voice cut off as he sunk to his knees, tears streaming down his face, his head bowed in shame.

L stood awkwardly for a moment then sunk down so he was level with Light, he tentatively placed his hand on Lights shoulder in an attempt to comfort him but he only wailed louder.

L was very confused.

"Light-kun, stay here for a moment."

L stood up again and left the living room, occasionally glancing back at it when Light's wails got louder.

L picked up the phone and began to rapidly dial a number, it ring only once before it was answered, "Lawliet at last, I have Miss Amane waiting to talk to Light and let me tell you is she starting to get impatient, she almost hi-"

L cut him off, "Not the time Watari, I have a bigger problem" he whispered.

"What now? Don't tell me you need another laptop" the old man said sighing.

"No, of course not. I've just had one of the stranger experiences of my life and I need you to come up here immediately."

"Stranger than the Stevenson case?"

"Yes, stranger than the Stevenson case. And the Nicklson case. And the Lawrence case. Stranger than every case I've ever had combined."

"Don't exaggerate Lawliet" Watari said sternly.

"I'm not, you need to get up here now because quite frankly I fear for my life."

"I'm on my way" he said hanging up the phone and muttering drama queen under his breath.

L lay the phone down gently and cautiously made his back towards the living room. He stuck his head round the door frame but not entirely entering the room. Light was still there, on the floor hugging his knees.

L pulled himself together, he was the world’s greatest detective he should not be afraid. He carefully approached Light, trying to make as little noise as possible as not to scare the boy. L stood on a creaking floorboard and winced, Lights head snapped in his direction and L was shocked at the fear in his eyes, the way that he looked up at him like he was an injured deer and L was a hunter.

L felt a strange combination of emotions, and with all his fluency in several languages he could not for the life of him come up with a single word to describe how he felt. Nor did he have any more success in formulating a plan to help Light, this was one of the rare occasions on which L had no idea what to do. He could feel his blood pulsing past his ears as panic rose in his chest, L had defiantly never felt like this before and he definitely did not like it. Watari couldn't get here sooner.

"Light-kun, what's wrong?" L asked, almost wincing at the pointlessness of the question. By the looks of things Light was struggling to breath, he certainly didn't look up to talking. L wanted to hit himself, maybe that would knock some sense in to him and provide him with a viable solution.

Hesitantly L squatted down next to Light who then began to wail even louder, L hadn't thought that was possible.

"Light! Snap out of it" L demanded but Light didn't appreciate that and flinched away from him.

He groaned, "Okay, sorry I didn't mean to be so harsh. Just uhh just calm down. Please."

Light didn't calm down, but it didn't appear to worsen things either. L was beginning to lose hope but then Watari arrived, he came barging into the room clutching a metal tipped cane in one hand holding it up as if he were ready to attack someone; quite frankly L had never seen the man move so quickly.

L looked at him in shock, when he asked for Watari's assistance he had not expected him to come rushing into the room brandishing a walking stick, "What are you doing?"

"You said you feared for your life, I didn't know what to expect."

"Well you're not going to need a metal tipped cane, I'm not going to inquire where you got it. Just help me."

Watari looked down Light's shaking body, "What happened?"

"I don't know he just started...well doing that."

"What did you do?"

"Nothing."

"L" Watari said sternly.

"Fine, I tripped him up when he went to answer the phone then he freaked out."

"So that's why you didn't answer the phone" he mumbled.

"Can you please just help?"

"Very well" Watari said joining the pair on the floor, L shuffled away giving them more space.

"Light, it's Watari. Light can you hear me?"

Slowly Light lifted his head from in between his knees and looked up at the older man with a pair of puffy, blood shot eyes.

"Of course he responds to you" L muttered like sullen child, Watari shot him a stern look but quickly focused his attention back on Light.

"Okay, Light I need you to calm down. Can you do that for me? Focus on your breathing okay?"

He shook his head, "I can't" his voice came out dry and crackly, like he'd eaten sandpaper.

"Come on just try, deep breaths in and out, in and out."

He shook again, "I said I can't" he hissed, his voice still broken and weak but this time there was a hint of venom to his tone.

 

"Okay Light I don't know why you are acting like this and I don't know what has caused it but you need to calm down, I want you to start by counting down from a thousand in sevens okay? I'll start with you 1000, 993, 986..."

Light appeared to listen to the advice and it appeared to work as a few minutes later his breathing returned to normal, well as close to normal as possible, but he was still shaky and had that same terrified look in his eyes.

"Well done Light, how are you feeling?"

"Fine."

"You don't look fine, you look even worse than before" L interjected.

"Let me deal with this" Watari said through gritted teeth.

"Light, I think it would be in your best interest to have a medical examin-"

"No!"

"Why not? Scared?" L taunted.

"L, I have warned you" Watari said sternly.

 

"Light, I insist. I'm fully qualified to-"

"I said no, now excuse me I am going for a shower" Light said shortly leaving the room.

"It's four o'clock in the afternoon, what is he showering for at this time?" Watari asked.

"I don't know" L said with a shrug.

"What was wrong with him?" the old man asked again.

"I don't know" L answered his voice of any and all emotions that he had towards Light and the scene he had just witnessed.

"Has he ever done that before?"

"I don't know."

"Do you think it has something to do with the fourth Kira?"

"I don't know."

"What do you know?" Watari asked his frustration showing.

"I know Light was Kira, and I know that he is now being controlled by the fourth Kira."

"Anything else?"

"Nothing."

 

~

Misa stomped her foot, "When is Watari coming back with my Light?" She demanded.

The task force members looked at each other hesitantly, "Soon" Aizawa told her.

"I don't want soon I want now!" She whined.

"There is a difference between what you want and what you get Misa, just be quiet."

She let out a loud, over exaggerated sigh and flopped into a chair, Aizawa shook his head at her but went back to his work thankful for the peace. For a few minutes it was silent, the only noise was Misa frequent and aggressive sighs.

"You're wrong you know."

"About allowing you up here? Yes we most definitely were" Aizawa snapped.

Mogi gave him a stern look, "What do you mean we're wrong?" he asked cautiously.

"About Light being controlled by the fourth Kira, and Light being Kira in general."

"How did you know about the fourth Kira" Aizawa demanded.

Misa shrugged as she absentmindedly picked at her nails.

"Misa!" Aizawa roared.

She looked up at him, "A little birdie told me" she said with a smile as she glanced at Ryuk who was unbeknown to the task members floating above Aizawas head.

Aizawa snorted, "What are you five?"

She shrugged again, "I just thought you should know."

"Know what?" Mogi asked.

"That you're wrong, about the existence of a fourth Kira."

"Do you have another explanation for what's been going on, with Light" Aizawa sneered.

Misa smirked and stood up, "We have a few theories" she said turning on her heel and heading for the door.

"What does she mean by we?" Matsuda asked in a hushed whisper.

The task force members were too busy calling after Misa or squabbling amongst themselves to notice the files that floated above their heads.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I don't normally add in authors notes but I firs of all wanted to apologize for how late this chapter is and how badly written it, I've just been really busy lately but I finally wrote something! And I als just wanted to thank you guys for your support I never expected so many people to read this story and thank you especially to everyone who leaves comments; I love getting feedback from you guys and hearing what you think. So once again-thank you.


	8. Chapter 8

To say the kitchen was a mess would perhaps be an understatement; in fact it looked less like a kitchen and more like the site of several nuclear explosions. There were pots in the sink, pots on the floor, pot with their contents on fire. There were eggs in the sink, eggs on the floor, eggs on fire. And then standing amongst the chaos there was L; egg shells in his hair clutching a flaming wooden spoon in one hand and slightly charred, egged soaked cook book in the other.

 

He'd been trying to make scrambled eggs for Light, he'd barely eaten a thing since the confinement started and if he wanted to live to see another day he would have to consume something. Even if that something was a lump of rubbery eggs.

 

Hastily L put out the flaming spoon and made weak attempt to tidy up the mess he'd created, however he was evidently not particularly good at it as in all his years he'd never once even touched a microwave never mind try and cook and he's never really had to tidy anything up. He was considering calling Watari again but the old man had told him not to call for him again unless he was about to be decapitated.

 

L pointed out that with being in a locked apartment with a serial killer the chances of that happening were alarmingly high; at that point Watari had sighed heavily and left.

 

And L was alone. With Watari having flounced off with an exasperated sigh and Light having fled the room in a desperate attempt to put some distance between him and any other human within a 5 mile radius L couldn't help but feel a little lonely. He tried to shrug it off. He'd always been alone. But recently with the influx in colleagues from the task force to Light, L was getting used to constantly being surrounded by people and now that he was alone he felt very cut off from the world and wondered why he'd never noticed this feeling before.

 

 

But Light would be dead soon and after he'd solved the Kira case he'd move onto the next case where he'd work alone and he'd likely never see the task force again so L decided to do what he always did when it came to unwanted emotions; ignore it.

 

Ignore it and get on with whatever case he was working on it's not like he'd ever done anything but work, he'd never had friends, he barely remembered his family, he'd never loved anyone; so in reality there was no point on dwelling on emotions when he could be busy changing the world. Surprisingly sitting around all day eating cake and reading case files was very time consuming, Light disagreed and called him lazy. But then again Light had called him an awful lot of things most of which L elected to ignore not because he didn't care because deep down he did but because he didn't want Light to think he could manipulate him with a few words.

 

Quickly and hastily L tided the kitchen. Although he hadn't tidied it particularly well, there were still splatters of half cooked egg adorning the walls and the sink was piled so high with dishes it was beginning to resemble the leaning tower of Pisa. L was just thankful he'd put out the fire.

 

L looked around the room, if he had thought it was small before it certainly looked minuscule with the tower of dirty dishes that surrounded him, L turned on the tap and squirted some washing up liquid into the sink, he wasn't exactly sure how much to put in though and was considering calling Watari again when he remembered his threat. Watari was usually calm and collected but occasionally he let his temper get the better of him, usually because of L and his demands.

 

Still the old man cared for L all the same, he treated him like the son he never had. But despite all the care and affection L had revived from Watari he had never once thought of him as a father figure. He'd always thought of him as more of an acquaintance, a friend who was less than a friend, almost like a combination between a boss and an employee. In all honesty Watari was more of his Jiminy Cricket, offering him advice and guidance which on occasion he ignored and did things his own way and then had to put up with a stream of 'I told you so' if it went even the slightest bit wrong.

 

L had never thought of anyone has a fatherly figure, he never knew his father. According to his mother he had left not long after he'd learned she was pregnant and she never saw him again. Sometimes L wondered if he'd be proud if he knew his son had grown up to become the world’s greatest detective. Sometimes L wondered if he even remembered he had a son. He wondered if he'd care about him, about the fact the woman he once claimed to love was dead.

 

L's mother had died when he was very young, he barely remembered her and even when she was alive he barely saw her. She was very sick, at the time L was told she was tired or that she had a bad cold or a stomach bug but even at that age L was intuitive enough to know something was going on. He just didn't know what.

 

Pancreatic cancer. That's what Watari had told him. L had pestered him for months, desperately pleading for answers. For the truth. And one day Watari's patience ran out and he told him, or more accurately yelled it. L remembered the way his heart stopped when the words came flying from Watari's mouth. Up until that point L had maintained a slither of hope that his mother would one day come back for him but in that moment that hope was shattered and L realised how alone he truly was.

 

He knew he shouldn't care, he barely knew the woman and he had very few memories of her but he had missed her every day since Watari had taken him to the orphanage. He knew it was illogical and he knew he shouldn't have any emotional attachment to the woman because you can't miss people you never knew and you can't love people you hardly remember.

 

So L always maintained the mindset that he had not ever and would not ever love. It was easier that way. And things were going fine with that until Light came along. It wasn't that L was in love with Light that would imply he was gay. He wouldn't categorise himself as gay or straight or particularly anything. He'd never experienced a romantic or sexual attraction to anyone before and he still didn't feel any sexual attraction but he felt a strange almost romantic but not quite romantic attraction to Light. Something more than friendship but less than love, he wanted to play with his hair and kiss his forehead not fuck him.

 

But Light was Kira, a mass murderer. But much to his disgust L was more concerned with the fact that he was in something-that-wasn't-quite-love-but felt-a-bit-like-it with someone who was going to die very soon than being in something-that-wasn't-quite-love-but felt-a-bit-like-it with a serial killer.

 

~

 

Light emerged from the shower some time later, he felt as though he'd used up  his daily emotional allowance during what he was calling a panic attack but felt more like he had died and then been resurrected by being thrown in a pool of battery acid. Light shivered and wrapped himself in a towel, recently Light had taken to using temperature extremes when showering and had just stood under an ice cold sheet of water for forty minutes and he was beginning to feel the symptoms of hypothermia.

 

So he wrapped the towel tighter around his body and avoided meeting the eyes of his reflection; he didn't want to look into the eyes of that person. That person wasn't him, that person was simply the body he was trapped in. He was back to denial, refusing to believe that he had been raped. Refusing to believe that anyone would have the sheer audacity to defile the body of a god in such a way.

 

Light rubbed a towel over his dripping hair and dragged a comb through it, wincing as the thin teeth got stuck the knots, he almost cried when the towel fell from around his waist and exposed his pale, bruised skin and he had to bite his lip to stop himself from screaming aloud when he hit his wrist off the sink. His cuts were already burning from the shower gel he had got in them in the shower and they'd been itchy before, at this point Light was considering admitting he was Kira just to be put out of his misery.

 

After all his father would probably be more disgusted if he told him he had been raped than if he had told him he was Kira. The task force would probably feel the same. And L, god knows how L would feel. Light had long since given up trying to predict what would be L's reaction to the news of his attack.

 

After drying himself and his hair and getting dressed in a fresh set of clothes Light cautiously left the comfort of the bathroom and entered the slightly egg scented kitchen where L was standing holding a plate of charred toast and watery pale scrambled eggs.

 

"What's this?" Light asked as L handed him the plate.

 

"Your breakfast" L said shortly not meeting his eye.

 

"I'm not eating _that_."

 

"Well you need to eat something" L reasoned.

 

"I will, but I will eat something that won't give me salmonella."

 

L narrowed his eyes, "Eat."

 

Light placed the plate down on the table, "No."

 

"Light if you don't eat you will _die_."

 

"If I eat _that_ I will die."

 

"Fine then, don't eat. You're going to die anyway see how I care" L snapped leaving the kitchen.

 

As soon as he was out of Light's view he almost slapped himself, this is what feelings do to people and he hated it. He hated not feeling in control, he hated the way his heart stopped when Light entered the room and then didn't stop hammering against his chest till he left and he hated the way he no longer acted like himself but more like a teenage girl.

 

L shook it off and retreated to the living room picking up his laptop again, Light followed shortly after and sat down on the couch next to him but with enough space for an elephant to fit in between them.

 

"You were right" L said quietly.

 

"What?" Light asked.

 

"You were right, about that case with the hair. I told them to follow through with your suggestion and they've got three suspects in custody right now."

 

"Oh, well that's...that's good I guess."

 

"How does it feel to punish criminals lawfully?" L asked slyly.

 

"I'm not Kira."

 

"Maybe not at the moment, but you were and I will prove it. Even if you are dead when I do so."

 

"Do you want me to die?" Light asked.

 

 

"Why would I want that, you're my...friend" L said but he didn't mean that. Light was more than his friend he just hadn't thought of a word for to accurately describe their relationship, however one sided it may be.

 

Light snorted, "Yeah what a good friend you are."

 

"Yes I think I am a rather good friend, glad you agree."

 

Light rolled his eyes, 'Sarcasm L. You're possibly the worst friend I've had."

 

 

"That's insulting Light-kun, you've hurt my feelings."

 

"Like you have feelings" Light scoffed, "Do you know what 'hurt my feelings' Ryuzaki? Accusing me of being a mass murderer, putting 64 fucking cameras in my fucking bedroom, having my father pretend to shoot me in the head with a fucking gun. So yeah I'd say you're a pretty shitty friend."

 

"I'm going to overlook your vile language and ask how you knew how many video cameras we put in your room. I don't recall ever telling you the exact figure and I have a pretty good memory if I say so myself."

 

"M-Matsuda told me, you know what a blabber mouth he is" Light stuttered.

 

L narrowed his eyes, "Yes, he really should learn not to let things slip like that."

 

Light laughed nervously, Ryuk had told him the number of cameras but he couldn't exactly say 'my pet Shinigami who gave me the Death Note, the thing I use to kill criminals because by the way I'm Kira told me'. Light mentally cursed himself for being so stupid. He would have to be more careful in future, if he continued like this he was going to let more than the fact he was Kira slip.

 

"So do you have any more uh cases?" Light asked trying to divert the conversation.

 

L narrowed his eyes in suspicion again but answered, "I'm working on one just now but I don't believe you would like to assist me with it so until Watari sends me the next batch you can eat your breakfast."

 

"Why can't I help?" Light whined.

 

"Just eat your breakfast Light-kun."

 

"By breakfast do you mean that plate of food poisoning waiting to happen?" Light snorted.

 

"No I mean the plate of food I so generously prepared for you; if you don't eat if now it'll get cold."

 

"Ah yes because the temperature really will diminish the flavour of that simply wonderful dish."

 

"I'm glad you're starting to see sense Light-kun."

 

Light rolled his eyes, "Just let me help."

 

"You know if you roll you're eyes too much-" L began in a condescending tone before Light interrupted him.

 

"Yes I know, I know if I roll my eyes to much they'll fall out of my head I get it okay? Just let me help" Light snapped.

 

"You know I think you ought to take a nap Light-kun."

 

"Why would I take a nap Ryuzaki? I'm 17 years old."

 

"Well that's usually what babies do when they're cranky; cry, whine and make a lot of fuss and noise then sleep."

 

"Are you comparing me to a child Ryuzaki?"

 

"Yes that's exactly what I'm doing Light-kun."

 

Light's hands balled into fists, his body began to tremble, "That's it!"

 

L looked up from the screen of his laptop, "What's what?" he asked bewildered.

 

"I want out. I want out right now, I can't stand to be in this goddamn room with you a minute longer or I'll go crazy" Light roared.

 

"Is that a confession?"

 

"No this is me telling you I want the hell out of here and the hell away from you!"

 

 

"I'm sorry Light-kun but that won't be possible, the next time you leave this apartment you'll either be in handcuffs or a body bag."

 

"Fine, I'll do it myself" Light snapped turning on his heel and striding towards the door.

 

"What exactly are you going to do Light-kun? There's no way to escape and any attempt you make will only result in injury" L sighed.

 

"I'm not going to try and escape I'm going to phone the other task force members and tell then to get me the hell out of here."

 

"Light-kun perhaps you should take that nap. You're delirious."

 

"I'm not delirious, I'm in perfect health thank you very much" Light said although he knew it was a blatant lie; he was far from the perfect vision of health.

 

 

"Ah yes silly me, you're practically the poster boy for sanity."

 

"So you finally mastered sarcasm."

 

L sighed and put down his laptop, "What happened to you Light-kun?"

 

Light froze, "W-What do you mean? What are you talking about? Nothing happening to me I'm still the same old Light" he stammered tripping over his words like a pensioner in minefield.

 

"You've been acting very strange recently, at first I thought it was the fourth Kira; a theory by which I still stand by but there's something else, something about you has changed. You're different and I don't know why yet but I'm going to figure it out."

 

Light laughed nervously and shook his head," I don't know what you're talking about L."

 

L narrowed his eyes, "Don't lie, you've done enough of that to last you a lifetime."

 

"I'm not lying."

 

"Why won't you tell me? I can feel it, it's just at my fingertips, the truth I mean. I just can't seem to grasp it. It's like a mirage, every time I think I figure something out, find a new clue I rush to it. But then, it's gone. Gone like it was never there in the first place."

 

"Maybe you're the delirious one."

 

"Oh I know, I know I must seem positively insane to you, to Watari, your father, the task force but..."

 

"But what?"

 

"I don't know, I haven't quite thought of a way to prove my sanity yet."

 

"Oh well that's unfortunate but if you'll excuse me I have a very important phone call to make-"

 

"It was the night you went to get Matsuda's dinner. That's when this behaviour started."

 

Light felt his heart stop but he didn't dare answer, instead he stood by the door, locked in place.

 

L looked up at him his eyes heavy with sorrow, "I have a few theories. One more prominent than the others but oh dear god I hope I'm wrong."


	9. Chapter 9

 "Put them down over there Ryuk" Misa chirped as she threw herself down on to her bed, sprawling her body out like a starfish, throughly satisfied by her cunning plan.

"What am I, your bellboy?"Ryuk mumbled to himself as he thrust the box down.

Misa's head shot up, "What was that?" she asked sharply.

"Nothing, nothing just talking to myself," Ryuk inwardly sighed at Misa's surprising sharp reaction, he wouldn't get away with the same sarcastic comments as he did with Light.

"Let me guess about apples?" she asked, her eyes looking up him inquisitively.

"You know me so well," he said with fake enthusiasm.

Misa sighed and rolled over so she was lying on her stomach, she propped herself up on her elbows and watched Ryuk as he glanced around her room, blocking light from the window with his enormous frame.

"So, where are these apples I was promised?" Ryuk demanded.

Misa rolled her eyes, "Do you ever talk about anything but apples? You've not even asked me how my day has been or how I'm feeling!" she whined.

"I was under the impression I was a shinigami not your therapist, besides you've not even asked me how my day has been."

"Ugh fine, how has your day been Ryuk?" she asked with an overly-dramatic sigh.

"Considering I spent all of it with you, awful."

Misa gasped, "How dare you, you can't talk to me like that! Just you wait till Light gets out then you'll regret that!" her voice even more high pitched that usual.

"Hyuk, hyuk, yes I'm sure Light will be just livid."

"I don't know what livid means...but he will be so mad!" she screeched.

Ryuk restrained the urge to write Misa's name in his Death Note right then and there but Light had told him specifically not to kill Misa, however annoying she may be; after all she was his eyes. Ryuk now had a new level of respect for Light dealing with Misa certainly wasn't easy and he hadn't considered how hard it would be to deal with her antics, plus she never bought him apples.

"Misa" Ryuk said, his voice slow and cautious.

Misa stopped braiding her hair and looked over to him, a confused look on her face as if she had forgotten about him, "Yes."

"Where are my apples" he said through gritted teeth.

She continued braiding her hair, "Oh well about that...I forgot to buy them" she mumbled.

"You promised me apples if I helped you" Ryuk complained.

"Yes well I forgot, I'll get you some tomorrow okay? I promise" Misa told him nodding her head rapidly.

"I don't exactly have faith in your promises anymore."

Misa smiled, "Tough luck."

"Why do we even have these" he questioned, motioning towards the box.

"I wanted to see Light" Misa said simply.

"Last time I checked, Light was a human not a box full of reports."

"Well it occurred to me as we were there, they won't let Light go anytime soon so he can't do anything about this fourth Kira theory that Ryuzaki has and they won't tell me anything about what's happening to him up there- quite outrageous, I mean I am his girlfriend- so I thought I should steal the files and get ahead on the investigation and then when Light is released he'll be so proud of everything I've found out and he'll love me even more!" Misa squealed in excitement at the thought of gaining Light's approval, Ryuk frowned.

"They'll be suspicious of you won't they though?" he questioned.

Misa cocked her head to the side,"Why would they be?"

"You were there round about the time when they went missing, you're the only civilian who knows about the case and the headquarter and you're still under suspicion from L- I wouldn't be surprised if they came looking here."

She shrugged her shoulders,"Big deal."

"Light wouldn't be very happy with you."

Misa froze and her face dropped, "Ryuk, Ryuk what do we do. Do we destroy them? Hide them?" Misa was hysterical, her voice raising an octave with each sentence.

Ryuk snorted, "We?"

She glared, "Yes, we. We are a team, I buy you apples and you do things for me that's just how it works."

"Well you didn't buy me apples last time I did something for you" he grumbled.

Misa groaned, "Fine, I promise you I will buy you apples this time okay!"

Ryuk appeared unconvinced. "I swear on Light's life!"

"In that case, you best figure out a plan, then I'll help you."

***

L looked up at him his eyes heavy with sorrow, "I have a few theories. One more prominent than the others but oh dear god I hope I'm wrong."

"I-I don't know what you're talking about Ryuzaki" Light stammered.

"Hmm, with your deductive abilities I find that very hard to believe."

"I really don't so if you'll excuse me I-"

"You suffer from nightmares don't you Light-kun?"

"No."

"You scream at night you know" L said softly.

"You must be mistaken" Light said calmly, as his heart pounded against his chest.

"Sit down, please" L said, his voice sounding unusually full of emotion, "Only to humour you," Light sat down tentatively, ensuring he was still a good distance away from the detective.

"You don't eat, you have become distant, you take extremely long showers multiple times a day, don't try and pretend your long sleeves are a fashion statement, you know I'm the best detective in the world Light-kun. I can tell something is wrong, I just couldn't figure it out till now."

"I'm fine Ryuzaki, I don't see why you'd care anyways" he mumbled in response, avoiding all eye contact.

L felt his breath hitch in his chest, he didn't know why he cared so much either, he convinced himself it was for the case. That's what he'd been telling himself a lot lately, he didn't mind living with Light for the case, he didn't mind cooking for Light for the case, he didn't mind sharing a bed with light for the case.

"Because I want to solve the case that's why I care, this practically eliminates the fourth Kira theory, but it near confirms you are Kira, Light Yagami."

L stared intently at the boy, it didn't take a genius to tell he was terrified, L mentally kicked himself for not coming to a conclusion earlier.

"Maybe the fourth Kira theory has more weight to it than I once thought, now that I've considered it, I suppose it could be-"

"Don't Light-kun, I'm nearly 100% certain I know the truth, and it explains the rise in killings regarding sexual predators and rapists" L said softly inching closer to Light who tensed up immediately.

If only he could've figured things out sooner then L could've gotten Light help, and stop some of the damage before it had a chance to manifest. And of course, solve the case he reminded himself.

"Stop it" Light hissed.

"Stop telling the truth?" L questioned, keeping his voice monotone and level.

"Stop making up bullshit to try and make it out as if in Kira!" he snapped, leaping to his feet, frustrated at L, he clenched his hands together tightly to try and mask the fact he was shaking, hoped L hadn't noticed the sweat on his brow and ignored the lightheaded feeling. "You don't have to be embarrassed Light-kun."

Light remained silent, his heart feeling as though it was about to burst through his ribs.

"Light-kun, I'm a detective, I have dealt with many rape cases, I do not judge you" L took a different approach, trying to assure Light instead of accuse him.

Light felt hot, confused and weak. His mind was foggy and his legs were heavy.

"Light-kun, I know you were raped."

His vision blurred round the edges and he felt the bile crawling up his throat.

Everything shifted to the side and he passed out, smashing his head off the arm of the couch he fell to the floor.

***

"Morning everyone!" Matsuda said cheerily as he entered the office.

"Mastuda!" Aizawa's voice echoed around the room.

"Y-yes Aizawa" stammered Matsuda, terrified to find out what he'd done wrong this time.

"Where are they?" Aizawa snapped.

"Where is what? I don't understand."

Aizawa narrowed his eyes and the chief, sensing Aizawa's anger, took this opportunity to intervene, "Aizawa, calm down! Now care to,calmly, explain what on earth you are talking about?" Matsuda glanced at the chief appreciatively and breathed a sigh of relief.

"The files. Regarding the fourth Kira. Where are they?" Aizawa snarled through gritted teeth. "I-I don't know, why would I know?" Matsuda stammered in reply.

"Because the files were here yesterday when we left,and you stayed behind, you were the last person to leave this room. And I was first here this morning, and when I arrived they were gone. In other words, no one else could've had the opportunity to take them." Mogi and the chief looked at Matsuda suspiciously, "W-well, how do I know that you didn't take them this morning before anyone else got here, besides what what I want with those files."

"Because I'm not an idiot that's how you know I didn't take them! We all know that you're the weakest link in this team, besides you have the least to lose. If I was found to be harbouring confidential information that would have devastating impacts for my family, same applies to the chief."

"Mogi doesn't have a family..." Matsuda.

"I trust Mogi!" Aizawa roared, "Explain to me why I should trust you?"

"Aizawa please calm down, there has to be a reasonable explanation for this" the chief commanded, his eyes darting back and forth between the terrified Matsuda and the fuming Aizawa.

"Yes exactly, there has to be..." mumbled Matsuda. "What about Amane?" Mogi said, speaking for the first time since Aizawa's outburst.

"What about her?" Aizawa growled.

"She was here yesterday, and she only arrived around half an hour before us three left Matsuda. Besides, those files have information that relates to the possibility of Light being Kira not just the fourth Kira theory, what I'm saying is it's possible that Amane could've taken them to protect Light. We've all seen how devoted she is to him, not to mention that makes more sense that Matsuda taking them, he has no motive."

"That does make sense..." Matsuda mumbled, intentionally avoiding eye contact with Aizawa. 

"I'll admit that Amane does have more of a motive than Matsuda...that being said, we all watched Amane walk out of here with our own eyes and she certainly wasn't carrying and files. Not to mention there's no way she could've gotten back into back into the building without one of us being notified," Aizawa explained, now slightly calmer but still keeping his eyes firmly fixed on Matsuda.

The tense silence was interrupted but Watari's abrupt entrance, "Sorry to interrupt,Yagami-San do you mind if I have a quick word with you?"

"Oh of course. Mogi please keep Aizawa and Matsuda separate till I return please."

"Yes chief." Mogi nodded.

Soichiro and Watari left the room together. Aizawa glowered at Matsuda. Matsuda cowered away from his intense stare. And Mogi sighed heavily, shaking his head at the pair of them.

***

Click. Click. Click. Click. Click.

Silence.

"Light-kun?"

Silence.

Click. Click. Click. Click.

Silence.

"Light-kun."

Silence.

Click. Click. Click.

Silence.

"Light."

Silence.

Click. Click.

Silence.

"Light Yagami?

Silence.

Click.

Silence.

"Light, this is not a request, answer me."

Silence.

L stood up, gently placing the laptop down as he knew Watari would not bring him another one in his current mood.

He stomped through into the bedroom where Light lay on the bed, absentmindedly staring at the ceiling.

"Light-kun" L said through gritted teeth.

Silence.

He approached him, "Light-kun, are you listening to me," he asked exasperatedly.

Light did nothing but blink in response, L sighed and sat down on the bed next to him, noticing how Light's body tensed up ever so slightly at this.

"Light-kun?" he asked softly. This time he didn't even blink.

"You have a feather in your hair, from one of the pillows I assume" L commented.

When Light made no attempt to remove it, L extended a bony hand and gently brushed it out of Light's hair. Despite the gentle action, any on looker would have assumed that L had electrocuted Light instead of removing a feather from his hair as Light instantaneously leapt up from the bed, his heart hammering against his chest and he backed up away from L.

"Don't."

"Don't what Light-kun?" L asked innocently, standing up also.

Light laughed slightly, "Oh don't act all innocent Ryuzaki, you fucking know what" he sneered.

"No need for the profanity Light-kun, all I did was remove a feather from your hair. After I informed you it was there, might I also add that I had shouted on you five times from the living room and directly addressed you three times in this room, you're the one who rudely ignored me."

"Didn't hear you" Light grumbled running a hand through his hair.

"I'm sure you didn't ."

"I said I didn't hear you."

"And I'm agreeing with you," Light growled through gritted teeth. 

"No, you're being sarcastic to try and get a rise out of me," Light snapped.

"Maybe I'd just like to talk to you, after all you've barely said fifty words to me since last night," L retaliated, taking a step closer to Light.

"How are you feeling?" L asked, cursing himself for letting his concern for Light's wellbeing seep into his voice.

Light snorted, "I'm fine, why wouldn't I be?"

"You did pass out, and hit your head."

"I probably just hadn't eaten enough, I'm fine" Light tried to convince L, although he wasn't sure he could even convince himself.

"Or, you passed out due a combination of your intense fear and anxiety regarding my discovery of your rape."

"Don't say that" Light whispered, almost wincing at the word.

"Say what? Ra-"

"Shut up L!" Light shouted, his eyes burning with tears and his body trembling.

"That is most likely why you passed out, it's more common than you think."

"Shut up Ryuzaki" he mumbled, moving away from him, edging closer to the door before he was interrupted by L's voice, "I'm now certain you're Kira."

Light sighed, "I don't care." "Is that a confession?"

"No, it's my declaration of my lack of care about your bullshit theory."

"It's not bullshit."

"No need for the profanity Ryuzaki," Light mocked as he left the room and made his way to the kitchen.

He was filling a glass with water when L's voice made him jump.

"I'm serious about my theory, and I will be explaining it to the rest of the task force this evening."

"Don't sneak up on me like that," Light snapped taking a sip of water.

L stared at him blankly, "Try not to pass out from fear again" he mumbled slyly as Light rolled his eyes at him. 

"Wait, what do you mean by 'explaining' to the rest of the task force?" Light questioned sharply as he narrowed his eyes.

"I mean that I will be giving them a full rundown on the reasons why I think you're Kira" L replied simply.

"A-all of the reasons?" Light stammered. 

"That is my intention, unless you would rather confess, that was I wouldn't have to provide the task force, including your father, with all of my reasons. I could perhaps, gloss over a few?" L replied, a slight smirk playing at the corners of his pale lips.

Light snorted, "Are you blackmailing me?"

"Yes I believe I am, so what do you say Light-kun?"

***

"Is everything okay Watari? Is it my son? Is he okay?" Soichrio asked quickly, his voice full of worry.

"Yes actually, this is to do with Light" the older man replied, "Please take a seat" he said motioning to one of the chairs.

"What's wrong with him?"

"Yagami-San, Ryuzaki is not aware that I am about to tell you this, so I ask that you do not tell him about this conversation, but I believe that as Light's father you deserve to know about this," Watari began.

"Of course, please, my son..."

"Yes, may I ask, does Light have a history of anxiety or panic attacks?"

Soichrio seemed startled. "No, not to my knowledge as least" he replied, slightly taken a back by the question.

"I see, in that case, I believe this to be more serious that I thought."

"Watari, please, is my son okay?"

"I believe that Light may be struggling, mentally, he is only 17 after all and I believe that all this is beginning to take its toll" Watari informed the other man gently.

Soichrio's entire demeanour changed. 

"I don't understand, what do you mean?" Soichrio asked gruffly.

"I mean that, I believe your son is developing an anxiety related response, Ryuzaki had been keeping me up to date with his behaviours, he's not sleeping and even when he does he seems disturbed, he's not eating, I had to calm him down from a panic attack only yesterday."

"I'm afraid you are mistaken Watari" Soichrio said sharply.

"I'm not claiming to be right, nor am I providing any kind of diagnosis, but based on my experience Light's behaviour is similar to others suffering from mental il-" Watari began before he was interrupted.

"Don't."

"Don't what? I am confused Yagami-San."

"Don't finish that sentence, don't pretend my son is one of those people, one of those...those freaks!" Soichrio roared.

"Yagami-San, how can you say that, in all your years as a police officer you must have encountered mentally ill people" Watari reasoned.

"Yes, and they get locked up, where they belong, my son is not one of them."

"I see, I will not bring this up to you again."

Soichrio stood up, grunted and turned to leave.

"Soichrio-" Watari began, the chief turned around, surprised to be addressed by his first name, "just be aware that Light is your still your son, despite his mental state, and you should care for him as such. That is all," the older man said coldly.

Soichrio broke eye contact with him stomped off, making sure to slam the door behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the extremely long wait, but as I mentioned in a few comments I was very very ill, mentally that is, I supposed it may be obvious to some of you that I wrote this fic centred around rape for a reason, I hope that explains things without me having to go into it too much, anyways I'm not exactly better but I'm coping, I do have exams though so whilst updates won't exactly be regular they should hopefully not be years apart! If you're reading this then thank you for your continuous support and I hope you enjoyed the chapter!


	10. Chapter 10

_"Light" a voice whispered in the darkness, Light knew the voice. It was so familiar and now he was all to aware of who it belonged to. It was low and rough, the voice had spoken his name with a heavy accent which he had now decided was most likely to be Russian._

_"I know you're Kira and I know what happened to you, disgusting and weak you are" the voice growled._

_Light wanted to cry out for help but he found himself unable to speak, he could only strain his eyes into the complete darkness that surrounded him._

_"I think you're disgusting and weak, and I think you could have fought back. Let's be honest you wanted it, didn't you?" the voice taunted. 'No!' Light wanted to scream. "But my opinion doesn't really matter, after all you don't really know who I am. But what about the task force members? Your father?How would they react? Well let's find out" the voice sneered._

_The darkness disappeared from around Light and he found himself in the conference room with the task force, his father and L._

_"Ryuzaki has just filled us in on everything Light, you were raped?" Aizawa asked, "That's disgusting, get away from me you disgusting little freak" Aizawa snarled at him._

_"Yeah! You're a freak Light, you don't deserve to be part of the task force" Matsuda agreed._

_Light tried to move, tried to talk but found himself unable to do anything but watch the scene in front of him unfold._

_"I don't want people like you near me, you're vile" Ide sneered._

_"Honestly Light you're a disgusting human being, what's wrong with you?" even the usual stoic Mogi had a comment to make._

_Light felt the tears well up in his eyes and fall over onto his cheeks. Slowly, his father began to approach him. He slapped him hard across the face, "You are disgrace to this family, I will not have you and your disgusting lifestyle poisoning my household. You are no son of mine" his fathers worlds stung._

_Light felt more tears run down his face._

_"Look at him cry, how weak" cackled Ide._

_"Did you fight back?" Light heard L's voice from a corner, "Or did you lie there and take it? Because you wanted it and I know you did. You weren't raped Light, you were probably begging for it. I bet you enjoyed it to, you disgust me" L sneered._

_"See, this is what they think of you" the voice whispered in his ear voice snarled. "You just sit here and take this, just like how you lay there and let that man take you. Be a good boy"._

_The scene around him melted away and Light found himself back in the alleyway, once again re-living the horrors of that night, the rain battered off his skin and his scream was masked by the winds as he was flung up against the alley wall, wincing with pain as his ribs collided with the solid bricks._

_Light had relived this night countless times, when both asleep and awake; he was aware of every tiny detail, every scratch from the rough bricks, every tear he shed and every grunt from his attacker. Nothing went unnoticed. And yet,for some reason Light couldn't help but feel that something was different._

_Those hands, the hands the gripped his trembling body, that gripped tightly at his hair-they were different. They were not as large and rough, still strong enough to hold him down but thin and nimble._

_"Please, stop" Light found the words come flying out of his mouth, he'd never said that before._

_He felt his heart drop when he received a reply, it was not the usual, gruff voice of his attacker at all, "I'll stop if you confess that you're Kira" a familiar monotone whispered in his ear._

_L._

_"I confess! I confess, I'm Kira, make it stop, please make it stop" Light fell limply to the ground as L released him, Light felt the familiar kick to the stomach and he knew that his real attacker had appeared again._

_As he watched the figure disappear into the distance darkness encased him once again and he found himself alone with the voice, "Better watch out kid, be a good boy, or who knows what that L guy will do to you."_

Light woke with a start. He sat upright; shaking, covered in cold sweat, tears streaming down his face. He tried to calm himself, it really was just a dream this time, the task force didn't know, not yet anyways. And as for L, well he didn't really hurt him, he had no reason to be afraid him, he would never dare do anything of the sort.

"Light-kun?"

Light jumped at L's voice in his left ear, "Shut up" he grumbled.

L ignored him and continued, "You were screaming again, it is rather disturbing"

"Sorry for the inconvenience" Light mumbled with a hint of sarcasm, brushing the sweat soaked hair out of his eyes.

"Hmm, apology accepted, I suppose."

"No need to sound so enthusiastic Ryuzaki" Light sneered, tilting his head slightly to glare at him.

"Well I mean it's not the most pleasant thing to listen to, and it is rather distracti-"

"What happened to not judging me" Light asked, cutting him off sharply.

"I do not judge you Light-kun, I am just commenting on the fact that your screams of terror are off-putting to say the last and I think you should seek professional help."

"I don't need _help_ " he retorted through gritted teeth.

L made a noise of disbelief, "You do, for starters you're a mass murderer, not to mention a victim of ra-"

"I told you not to say that Ryuzaki!" Light snapped at him, his eyes flashing with anger.

L let out a large sigh and resumed typing, Light who was thankful for the silence got out of bed. Nearly collapsing again as he did so, his legs we weak and shaky, L appeared not to have noticed so he prayed they would continue to support him as he hobbled to the bathroom, "You're in denial" L mumbled at he left the room but Light chose to ignore, mentally cursing at L for his compulsive need to have the last word.

He breathed a sigh of relief as he entered the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. He quickly turned the shower on to allow the water to heat up and sunk to the ground, the cool bathroom tiles were cold against his hot skin,he pressed his head against the tiled wall, allowing them to soothe the slight bump from where he'd hit his head. He began to wonder if he really had passed out from fear, it was much more likely to be the lack of food, his blood glucose levels must have dropped too low. Of course, that would be it, it had to be, there was no other possible reason.   
After all he was perfectly healthy, he had no heart problems, no neurological ones either, he didn't have a history of fainting and he didn't get scared; so really that was the only conclusion he could've come to.

Light stood up slowly, undressed himself and quickly clambered into the shower before he had a chance to catch a glimpse of himself in the mirror; he scrubbed his skin clean, washed his hair and then washed it an additional two times. He couldn't shake off the sensation of his hair being yanked at by unwanted hands, in fact he couldn't shake off the sensation of his entire body being touched by unwanted hands. After rinsing the shampoo out of hair for the third time some fifty minutes after he'd gotten into the shower, he tentatively stepped out and was welcomed by a rush of cold air, immediately he seized a fluffy white towel and wrapped it tightly around his shivering body. Once he was sure he was fully he cursed at himself for forgetting to bring in fresh clothes and began to search for that razor of his.

Outside the bathroom sat L, his back pressed up against the door, listening intently for a thud that would indicate Light had lost consciousness again, for the case of course there was little genuine concern behind his actions, L had assured himself of that much.

L had been so certain of his fourth Kira theory, that was before he knew about Light though, then again Light hadn't actually said the words to confirm he had been raped so maybe his fourth Kira was right after all. Or, the fourth Kira was in fact a man who, and was the man who raped Light-statistically it was more likely that Light was raped by a man than a woman-and the fourth Kira had already discovered that Light was the original Kira after he couldn't see his lifespan and so he attacked him, in order to weaken him and then he would control Light using the 23 day rule.

Or, the fourth Kira could've controlled the actions of another person using this rule, so that Light would be raped by the person being controlled and the fourth Kira wouldn't risk being arrested for sexual assault if Light had reported the crime. Then the fourth Kira could have the the rapist die shortly after so that Light would never truly get justice in knowing his attacker and know they had been punished, this would have a devastating effect on Light of course and would make him more susceptible to being controlled.

No that doesn't make sense, the fourth Kira would know that he doesn't need to weaken his victims in order to control them- unless he assumed that he'd have to control Light as he is the first Kira and is therefore more powerful than a normal human- from the fourth Kira's perspective at least.

Or perhaps this was all an act. But what does Light gain from that? If he doesn't die after 23 days then that doesn't prove he's not the original Kira, it just proves that he isn't being controlled by Kira. And Light wouldn't go to all this trouble for something that wouldn't help to prove his innocence, not to mention that L couldn't accept this is an act, not with the way Light had been acting recently.

But what if there was no fourth Kira at all? What if Light had just been an unfortunate victim, and his change in behaviour was due to trauma and nothing to do with being controlled, but L was so sure of his theory. How could he be wrong now? He didn't want to accept he could be wrong. An increase in the number of deaths regarding sex offenders and rapists rose dramatically after Light started acting strange, but Light didn't have a death note, so how could he kill them?

Misa.

Of course, he was with her the day after the attack, Light would ne angry and with the trauma fresh in his mind he could've instructed her to carry out the killings with another death note, which would add weight to the theory that Misa was the second Kira. L made a mental note to have Watari to check and see if the some of the criminals names were ever made public, if not then that would nearly prove Misa to be the second Kira as the second Kira clearly had the shinigami eyes that Rem had told him about.

L's internal monologue was interrupted by a knock at the door, by the time L had stood up and shuffled along the corridor Watari had already entered, looking unimpressed at L's slow pace.

"Watari."

"Lawliet, I have something to discuss with you, where is Light?" Watari asked, cautiously looking around.

"Shower" L mumbled.

"Be articulate please Lawliet, being the worlds greatest detective doesn't excuse poor pronunciation, now regarding Light's uhmm...condition-"

L cut him short, "Wait you know? How could you I only just figure it out, and it's strictly speaking not been 100% confirmed-"

"It's rude to interrupt, now as I was say-"

"You interrupted me" L whined.

"Don't be childish, now as I was saying" Watari began again, giving L a stern look, "I spoke to Yagami-San, I asked him if Light had a history of panic attacks or anxie-"

"And? Does he?" L interrogated.

"Well, perhaps if you'd let me finish you'd find out, he didn't take to kindly to my suggestion, I believe it offended him."

" _Brilliant_ , there goes that plan" L mumbled, more to himself than to Watari, but the older mans sharp ears picked it up.

"What plan? Also, articulation."

"I planned to blackmail Light into confessing to being Kira, by threatening to divulge some information he'd rather be kept secret to the task force and his father. But if that was his reaction the mention of a panic attack then I don't want to think about his reaction to finding out his son was raped, his fathers reaction could badly impact Light...not that I care of course, it's just it would hold back the investigation."

"Light was...was..." Watari found himself unable to speak the words.

"Raped, yes" L replied in monotone.

"The poor boy, no wonder he's been acting this way, Ryuzaki you should've known better than to let him read that Anderson Street case file, it was a horrific rape case and you know that!" Watari lectured.

"Well I didn't know then" L defended.

"I'm sure you still suspected, you probably used that case to gauge his reaction to try and prove your theory, I thought Light was your friend Lawliet."

"He is!"

"And you planned to _blackmail_ him?"

"Well I told him about it, and asked for his input, so it's not really blackmail if you think about it" L tried to reason.

"And what did Light say to that?" Watari asked, his curiosity getting te better of him.

"He said 'Fuck you Ryuzaki, I'm going to read, leave me the fuck alone', then he stomped into the bedroom, making sure to slam the door and read till he fell asleep. I'm surprised you didn't hear all the racket he was making."

"Lawliet, language."

"It was him not me, you did ask what he said."

"I think you should try and be a bit more sympathetic to his situation, think of what he's just been through, rape is extremely traumatic and he is only 17" Watari reasoned.

From inside the bathroom Light cursed loudly, unable to find a damn razor anywhere and without a fresh set of clothes he'd have to walk out in nothing but a towel, he didn't like the thought of being that exposed around L.

But there was no way he was putting those dirty clothes back on, he didn't want to feel anymore filthy than he already did, so he cautiously opened the door and stepped outside.

Thankfully, L was no where to be seen.

He darted into the bed room, which was also thankfully empty, and quickly began to dress himself, he was reaching for a shirt when he heard Watari's voice from the hallway, "...rape is extremely traumatic and he is only 17."

Surely they couldn't be talking about him? Would L really have told Watari? Then again, he had already threatened to tell the rest of the task force, so what would stop him from telling Watari?

Light felt insurmountable rage growing within him, how dare he tell Watari, this was not his to tell.

"Ryuzaki!" Light roared, marching into the hallway where L and Watari stood.

"Light-kun, we were just talking about you" L said calmly, ignoring Light's apparent anger.

Light didn't say anything else, instead he punched L right in the jaw, the force sent him stumbling backwards a few steps.

"You can't go telling people stuff like that Ryuzaki, do you have no respect for people's privacy" he shouted as he aimed to kick L in the stomach, but L swiftly grabbed Light's leg and twisted it, causing him to fall back into the ground. Light groaned, mentally thanked whoever designed the interior of this floor for laying down such a thick and plush carpet and got back up again.

He aimed to punch L again, but the detective was still to fast for him and he grabbed Light, forcing him against the wall, "Calm down Light-kun."

" _Get. Off. Me._ " Light spat, trying to force L off of himself, desperately trying not to think of the dream.

"I will once you've calmed down."

"I am calm" said Light gently, "now get the fuck off of me."

"Ryuzaki" warned Watari, speaking for the first time since Light's entrance.

"Fine," L let go of Light who staggered away from him, fear apart in his eyes.

"Are you okay Light? You look rather pale?" Watari asked.

"I'm fine" Light panted, ignoring the overwhelming sense of nausea.

"You don't look it" L mumbled.

"Ryuzaki, leave him" Watari warned, "Light please go sit through in the living room, I will bring you some tea. Ryuzaki, with me."

"Why do I have to help" L whined.

"You don't, you just have to leave Light alone."

L huffed but followed Watari into the kitchen whilst Light staggered into the living room.

"Why do you always stand up for him, he's Kira" L questioned as Watari filled up the kettle.

"He might be, whilst I will always stand by you Lawliet you don't have solid proof that Light is Kira, and so you cannot treat him as a criminal. You call him your friend and yet at a time where he actually needs you you're not there for him, I think you need to reconsider yourself as a person."

L was silenced, for once by Watari's words. It wasn't fair, L knew that Light was Kira he just technically couldn't prove it, yet.

Watari handed him a cup of tea, he put it to lips to take a sip when Watari hit him over the head, "It's for Light, not everything is about you Ryuzaki, now take it to him."

"I don't see why he gets tea made for him when he's a serial killer and I'm a genius and the worlds greatest detective" L mumbled to himself, Watari ignored him, brought out a biscuit tin and followed the sulky detective.

When he entered the room, L and Light sat on opposite ends of the couch facing away from each other. The tea sat on the coffee table untouched.

"Biscuit?" Watari offered.

Light shook his head, "Light-kun has barely eaten since we got here" L observed and Light shot him a look.

"Perhaps that is why Light-Kun passed out, well that's what he will tell himself anyways," L mused.

"You passed out, are you alright Light?"

"I'm fine."

"Actually, he's not. See, as soon as I started to tell him about my discover he stood up and then he was passed out on the floor after having smacked his head. His arm twitched for a bit, scary stuff. He was out for so long I was worried I'd actually have to put him in the recovery position, but he woke up grumpy as ever and went to lie in bed and sulk" L recalled.

  
"Thank you for the reenactment Ryuzaki" Light seethed.

"It was hardly a reenactment, perhaps more of a retelling."

"Ah so you care about definitions now, it wasn't that when you kept using ambiguous incorrectly" Light snorted.

Before L could make a swift come back Watari interrupted, "Light, Ryuzaki, as I much as I would love to stay, I have to assist the rest of the task force, so please excuse me."

Neither L or Light spoke till they heard the door click shut as Watari left.

"Are you going to sit there shirtless or dress yourself?" L asked, allowing his eyes to flicker over Light's body.

"Don't do that," Light mumbled.

"What have I done this time?" he questioned.

"Don't look at me like that, it feels...invasive."

"Well put a shirt on."

"I c-can't" Light stammered.

"What do you mean? Have you lost all capability to function now?"

"I think if I stand up I'll faint again" he mumbled.

"Well I'm not carrying you if that's what you're implying."

"Trust me, it's not" Light assured him.

L picked up a case file from the coffee table and began flickering through it, "What's the case?" Light asked.

"You wouldn't like it."

"Try me."

"Really Light, you wouldn't" L warned, his tone more serious this time.

"Ryuzaki I-"

"Light, don't start, just trust me on th-"

"I don't care about the case, I'm going to be sick."

"Well please don't, I can't stand the smell."

Light lept up, covering his mouth with his hand he bolted into the bathroom. L squirmed in his seat as he listened to the sound of Light retching, he sighed and placed down the file shuffling to the bathroom where Light sat on the floor, his head lent over the toilet bowl. L watched his shoulder blades move under is skin, now pale and sweaty, as he gripped the sides of the bowl tightly; he screwed up his eyes at the noise of vomit hitting water.

"Light-kun?" he said gently, sitting down behind the boy in his usual position, Light was too busy emptying the contents of his stomach-not that there was much there other than stomach acid and lining-to reply to him. He reached out a bony, frail hand and gently stroked Light's back in the same way Watari always did for him when he was unwell, Light flinched at the touch but didn't push him away. L had to remind himself that Light only let him keep his hand there because he was too pre-occupied to make him move, there was no other reason.

  
After a while Light stopped vomiting, flushed the toilet and got up to brush his teeth, almost collapsing again as he did so. L watched him from the ground, his eyes scanning every inch of exposed flesh across Light's body. He observed the smooth, flat muscles of his stomach, the shoulder blades moving under skin that had regained some of its usual golden brown tinge. The scars that littered his otherwise flawless flesh, up his arms, across his stomach and a heavy concentration of the things on his left wrist. Light was right handed, Ryuzaki recalled, makes sense for him to have so many cuts and scars on his left wrist, he would be able to do much more damage with his dominant hand.

"You should let me treat them" L said, his voice quiet and low.

"What?" Light asked, his speech muffled by the toothbrush.

"Your...your cuts, you should let me treat them, they'll get infected."

Light spat out the toothpaste I his mouth, "Is that why you took my last razor?" he asked, watching Ryuzaki's reflection in the mirror.

"No, I took it because I needed it and Watari was in a mood with me, but yes that too I suppose."

"Can you get me another one?" Light asked, his voice breaking slightly.

"You know I can't Light-Kun."

Light's eyes flashed with anger, "Why not?" he demanded, turning round swiftly to face L.

"Because I can't allow you to hurt yourself."

"There are knives in the kitchen you know" Light mumbled.

"You have now lost access to the kitchen, unless supervised by myself" L said sharply.

Light rolled his eyes and opened his mouth to protest before he was cut off , "And no more locking the bathroom door, in fact, no more locking any door. I want you in the same room as me at all times, except from when you use the bathroom, I will have Watari install cameras throughout this floor to ensure you don't find away to hurt yourself."

"You said no more cameras" Light snapped.

"Well things change, you can't be trusted alone anymore, I can't have my main suspect accident cutting a vein and bleeding out whilst I have no idea what is going on, now let me treat those cuts Light-kun, that was not a request."

L stood up and left the bathroom, surprised to see Light follow him, together they entered the kitchen and L motioned for Light to sit down, which again to L's surprise, he actually did.

In the time it had taken for L clean the cuts across Light's body, neither of them had spoken a word. Light would flinch every time the antibacterial fluid came in contact with a cut and every time L's hand came in contact with his exposed skin.

"Your wrist" L said, motioning towards his left hand, reluctantly Light thrust it in his direction, L couldn't tell him he squirmed so much as he cleaned because of the pain from the antibacterial fluid or because of the grip L had on his wrist.

"Do you have any cases I can help with?" Light inquired, desperate for something to keep his mind off the attack.

"There's one that I suppose you could help with, the Bratva have infiltrated Japan."

"The Bratva?"

"Russian Mafia."

Light sighed, "I know who they are Ryuzaki, I was just surprised at them being here, what purpose do they have in Japan?"

"Drug trafficking I assume, however evidence would also suggest they may also be involved in sex trafficking" L told him, his eyes flicking up from Light's raised to gauge his reaction.

Light gulped, "I see, s-sex trafficking."

"Yes, we believe that many members of the Bratva have been in Japan for months now, but some of those in higher up positions only arrived less than a month ago," L finished cleaning Light's wrist and wrapped a bandage around it, "C'mon you need clothes."

L followed Light to the bedroom where he quickly pulled a polo neck and a long sleeved jumper on to cover up his body, L sat on the bed and observed him as he did this, continuing to fill him in on the case, "In particular, one of the main Bratva leaders Alexei Danshnov, arrived in Japan about a week ago, he's a particularly nasty one."

"I see" Light responded.

The Bratva. Alexei Danshnov. Arrived about a week ago.

The voice. Gruff with an accent. The attack was less than a week ago.

Light resisted the urge to throw up again and continued to listen to L explain the premise of the case to him, desperately praying that Alexei Danshnov was killed by Miss before he could be apprehended, just on the rare chance that L came into contact with him, and on the even rarer chance that Light came into contact with him. Of course, Light had no way of knowing if Alexei Danshnov really was his attacker or not, and part of him hoped that he would never have to find out.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: very graphic account of rape towards the end of the chapter.

L'appel du Vide 11

 

Light's head hurt after the massive influx of information L had just hurled at him. L was currently investigating a series of what were initially believed to drug gang related murders which in a sense was true; the bodies were in fact casualties from the recently initiated war between the Bratva and the Yakuza. From the limited amount of evidence L had been provided with, he had deduced that the Bratva were in Japan to make some kind of drug deal with the Yakuza, however something must've gone wrong which had resulted in the murders and the arrival of a few high up Bratva members, including Alexei Danshnov. 

L had handed him a collection of photographs from the most recent, and according to him the most obscure and violent death of the case so far. The pictures showed the bodies of a young Japanese couple who would struggle to pass for twenty, each with a dark bullet hole in the centre of their foreheads. The bodies themselves had been left in an vacant apartment in Kabukicho, one of Tokyo's darker areas, it was likely they had been there for several days, a neighbor had complained to her husband about an odd smell but it was still another few days before she contacted the police, the bodies were significantly decomposed when they were found and so evidence from the bodies themselves would be hard to come by. 

However, on the blank wall behind them, 'воришка' was written messily in what L had told him was blood, the dark of the letters contrasted with the white of the wall and mirrored the contrast between the pallor of the victims skin and that dark ominous hole. 

Below the Russian characters, 'LXXX' was written in the same substance and then the single letter 'M' below that. 

"There's no blood" Light stated. 

L looked up at him, ready to hit out with a witty comment but Light beat him to it, "other than that on the walls, I mean there's no blood around the victims, yet they've both been shot in the head, that would suggest that they were murdered elsewhere and there bodies were just left here."

"Yes, that thought also occurred to me" L replied.

"I take it that a Bratva boss wouldn't be staying in Kabukicho, do we have any idea where they are staying?"

"Shinjuku."

"We're in S-shinjuku" Light stammered. 

"Yes, we are, I hope you're not just realising that."

"No, just thinking aloud" Light lied hesitantly, for once L didn't make any comment, he couldn't tell if he hadn't noticed Light's hesitation or if he just didn't care. 

Kabukicho was a rough area, often considered to be the worst neighbourhood in Tokyo, those in high up positions of the Bratva would never dream of staying there. However Shinjuku would be much more to their tastes, especially the tastes of men like Alexei Dashnov, who would've been in in the same area as Light that night. 

Light let out a shaky breath as he made the connections in his head, with every new piece of evidence it seemed more and more likely that Alexei Dashnov was his attacker, and the way L had presented the case it seemed as though he was their main suspect. Which would mean that the police would be most likely to try and apprehend him, his potential attacker.

What if this man knew his father was the Chief? What if he said something that would reveal what happened that night? What if he even did it unintentionally, if he was asked to give a description then surely the detectives would easily match it to him, after all he was no stranger to them after all the cases he had helped solve. 

What's even worse is the fact they wouldn't do anything, they wouldn't care enough to add a rape charge, maybe if Light had been a woman then things would be different. But Light knew the detectives, and to them the idea of a man being raped by another man would be ridiculous, out of the question and laughable; it would only make the abuse he would get from them worse. 

And of course, his father would be involved if this were to come to light through Alexei Dashnov. Light could imagine the way his face would drop, the way his eyes would fill with disappointment and how his brow would furrow with anger.

"You are no son of mine."

His fathers words from the dream echoed in his ears.

No. That was out of the question, the police would be questioning him about the Bratva, not a rape case. It wouldn't make sense, and there's no was that Alexei Dashnov would willingly admit to it right? Unless he was bragging about it, in which case there really was no hope for him.

"I think they're tying to send us a message" L stated, snapping Light out of his daze. 

"What message?" Light asked. 

"Well, we've established that the Bratva were here to make some kind of deal, probably drugs in exchange for weapons or something similar, so if the Yakuza took say the drugs that the Bratva offered but never gave back the weapons to fulfil their part of the deal, then that would give reason for the start of all this in the first place."

"Do you have any evidence of that?" Light inquired.

"I thought you would say that, five Russian men were found dead in an abandoned warehouse in Kabukicho, is likely where the deal was set to be made and went wrong."

"But how does that prove they are trying to send us a message." 

"The writing on the wall," L began handing Light a photograph of the crime scene, "the Russian word 'воришка', it means thief, which would support the idea that the Yakuza have stolen from the Bratva."

"And what about the Roman numerals?" Light enquired.

"Roman numerals?" L questioned. 

"The 'LXXX' and the 'M', strange combination of letters and all upper case, the most obvious explanation would be Roman numerals."

"Well, 'LXXX' means eighty, and-" L began.

"And 'M' is 1000" Light interrupted.

"Yes," L said curtly, irritated at being interrupted, "so even if we assume you are correct about the Roman numerals we still don't know what the numbers mean."

"Why use Roman Numerals I don't don't understand, if they're trying to send us a message why not use normal numbers, that would make the message clearer right?" Light said quizzically. 

"Maybe they don't want just anyone to understand the message."

"What do you mean?" Light questioned. 

L sighed, "I mean that perhaps the Bratva didn't want the majority of people who would be present at the crime scene to understand the message. I don't imagine that the majority of the Japanese police understand Russian, especially not in its written form and same goes for the Roman numerals." 

"Are you implying that the Bratva designed a message especially for you? God you're big headed aren't you" Light mumbled. 

"I'm not the one that views myself as a God-like figure" L snapped back in retaliation. 

Light simply glared at him, his mind too consumed by exhaustion to fathom a witty response, and his body too weak from malnutrition to raise his middle finger in L's direction. He summoned the energy to shift his body away from the eccentric man, not wanting him to start another lecture about sleep deprivation or starvation, which Light knew he would most certainly do if he caught on to Light's declining health status. 

"I am hungry" L announced after a period of silence. 

"Thank you for keeping me in the loop” mumbled Light. 

L glared at him, “And I have consumed an adequate amount of calories in the past day, so if I’m hungry then you must be on the brink of starvation.” 

“I’d say that mountain of sugar you consume makes up to more than an, adequate amount of calories,” Light shot back, forming air quotations with his fingers around the word ‘adequate’. 

L didn’t respond, he placed his laptop down, stood up and stared at Light. 

“What are you doing?” Light questioned, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. 

L gave no response.

“Can you stop looking at me like that!” Light spat.

“No need to get so upset Light-kun, I am merely waiting for you to accompany me to the kitchen.” 

“I don’t want to go to the kitchen, I’m staying here.”

L sighed, “No. You are not, you are not being left alone at anytime.” 

“It’s more dangerous in the kitchen than in here, I grab a knife and slit my jugular in two seconds. Most I can do in here is give myself a paper cut.”

“Come on, we are going to the kitchen and we are going to make lunch.”

“I’m not a fan of this whole ‘we’ thing Ryuzaki, we’re not going to have a domestic cooking session just because you’ve felt your blood sugar levels drop down to within the normal range” Light snapped.

L stared intently at him, “Come to the kitchen right now or I will phone your father and tell him about your rape” he stated in monotone. 

Light flinched at the mention of the word, “I’ve told you not to say that word” he seethed through gritted teeth.

 

“Why? Does it make you uncomfortable Light-kun? Does it upset you Light-Kun? Does it make you angry Light-kun?” L interrogated, taking a step towards Light with every question.

Light reclined away from L’s approaching figure, screwing his eyes up and curling up into himself; he placed his head in his knees, rocking back and forth. 

“It’s just a word Light-kun” L said softly.

“I know what it is” Light responded, his voice shaky.

“It’s just a word, it can’t do anything to you, why are you so afraid of it? It’s just a word like another; rape, grape, tape. They’re just words.”

“I know it’s a fucking word L,” Light shouted, “I know what it is, it’s a word but it’s not just a word to me why can’t you understand that? Why can’t you and your massive brain figure that one out, huh?”

L stared at him blankly, “ I don’t understand.” 

Light’s eyes began to well up and he drew a shaky breath, “It’s not just a word to me, it’s the word that defines the single worst experience of my life, an experience I never thought I would have to go through. That’s the thing about...about ra- I mean the thing, ra- I can’t say, it okay Ryuzaki? I just can’t, I fucking can’t. I try and I choke and my chest seizes up and I just can’t fucking breathe and I can’t say it. But that’s the thing about that experience, no one ever thinks it’s going to happen to them, and then it does and your entire world is crashing, falling and burning around you and before you know it you can’t even say the fucking word that explains what happened to you. Do you have any idea what that’s like? Don’t you think I feel fucking worthless and shitty enough and now I can’t even speak. No, of course you don’t because you can’t ever divulge the tiniest shred of sympathy towards anyone. And especially not me.” 

Light took a deep breath, L stared at him in shock.

“Maybe you could try harder” L suggested.

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Light spat. 

“Try harder to say it, it’s only two syllables after all; ra-pe, ra-pe, ra-pe.”

“Are you fucking kidding me, what exactly are you trying to do here? What happened to ‘I don’t judge you’, don’t you deal with other people like me? Or do I get no sympathy because you think I’m a murderer? Do you have any fucking clue what I would give right now to make all of this go away?” 

“And what would you give exactly, Light-kun?”

“Fucking anything I could.”

“You don’t have much left to give; you’ve got little sanity left, little sense and I doubt whether you ever had an form love or kindness to give. You know, considering you’re a murder and all. Do you have your virginity left to give Light? Did you lose it when you were raped, or before you were raped? Because either way, you’re certainly not a virgin now.”

“How are you!” Light roared, leaping onto L, knocking him to the ground. 

“You’re a fucking cunt L,” Light shouted, punching L in the jaw.

“What, can’t handle a simple question?” L taunted.

Light responded with more punches.

“Well, do I get an answer? Is that or is that now how you lost your virginity?” 

“Shut. The. Fuck. Up”

“It’s a yes or no question Light-kun.”

“Yes! Yes it was, that’s how I lost my fucking virginity Ryuzaki, are you happy now you know? Now you have another piece of information to add to your arsenal, another way to make my life hell.”

“And how did that make you feel Light-kun, just giving up your virginity like that? Don’t you think that should be something special? Didn’t you want to keep it?” L continued to taunt.

“You are a miserable fucking cunt,” Light seethed, “How dare you speak to me like that. How dare you speak to anyone like that, god have mercy on anyone who ever comes to you after being...ra-...ra...” the anger in Light’s face began to soften, he shifted his body off of L and onto the floor where he curled his knees tightly up to his chest once again. 

“You can’t even imagine it” Light whispered, tears flowing down his cheeks, “any of it. The fear when he grabs you and drags you and shoves up against a wall. The confusion, what is he going to do? Mug me? Kill me? But then he’s pulling down your jeans and it hits you, that’s what he’s going to do. And your heart is pounding in your chest, you’re screaming in your head and out loud till he pushes you against that wall and the bricks are rough against your skin and you don’t scream out loud anymore. You cry silently and scream internally, and then he’s in. And it hurts, it’s like being split in half and you can’t help but scream, because you’ve never experienced such pain in your life and you can’t quite comprend what’s going on- it’s all going so fast but dragging on and on at the same time. And he’s enjoying himself, grunting away as he fucks you, as he rapes you. Are you proud Ryuzaki? Are you? I said it. I fucking said it. And of course you fight back,even though you know it’s futile and it makes it all hurt more, but you know you need something to tell yourself later- that you tried to stop him, that you fought back, that you just didn’t let it happen to you. But it gets to the point where you stop. You have to, you just let your body fall limp and his grip is the only thing keeping up upright enough for him to fuck you. And you just pray for it to all stop, listen to his grunts and the rain. He whispers in your ear, ‘That’s a good boy’ and strokes your hair, it makes your skin crawl and you swallow the vomit. And then it’s over, he’s finishes with a thrust and a grunt and he lets go of you and you fall to the ground. He kicks you in the stomach and leaves, then you lie there and hope the rain will cleanse you. You lie there, regaining your strength and feeling his cum leak out of you. And then you have to get up, sort your clothes and stagger back to headquarters, and pretend you’re okay.” 

Light finished his speech and took a deep intake of breath, tears flowing fast and free he looked away from L’s penetrating gaze. 

“Thank you Light-kun.”

“What?”

“I think I have a better understanding of your experience now, and I have succeeded in both getting you to retell your experience and overcome your fear of the word ‘rape’. I do apologise for my behaviour and comments though, of course I offer you my deepest sympathies and I didn’t mean anything I said. But I had to get you to talk somehow.”

“So you did all of that to get a rise out of me?”

“Yes.”

“You really are a fucking cunt.”

“No need for such profanity, I was helping you begin your road to recovery.”

“My road to recovery” Light repeated, tasing his eyebrows.

“Yes.”

“No thank you, I don’t need therapy from you.”

“But I’m clearly good at it, now you can say rape.”

“I don’t think I can” Light said, a fresh set of tears spilling over his cheeks.

“But you just did.”

“Yes but that was different, I was in the middle of everything again, I was angry and emotional; that’s why I could say it then. Now I can’t.”

“I see.”

“I’m sorry” Light mumbled. 

L remained quiet, the only noise in the room was that of Light’s shaky sobs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, hello! I am alive, it’s been nearly a year and I’m very sorry but my life is more hectic than you can ever know, but I was reading through the comments left by you all and I felt I had to give you another chapter. Apologies as it’s not very well written (it’s 2.45 am here) and it’s certainly not a particularly funny/light hearted chapter. Initially it was supposed to go in a different direction, the first section of the chapter was written months ago and then the rest in the past two hours which is why the tone and direction changes so suddenly. Partly because I couldn’t remember where I was going with this chapter initially and I felt that this was something I needed to get out. Thank you to anyone who has come back for this chapter despite my lack of updates, I really can’t make promises about the consistency of future updates but I will try and have the next chapter be more important to the plot rather than a sort of filler chapter/expression of my experience like this one.   
> Thank you and love you all!


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